Roar Cat Reads

Tag: queer wedding

  • Queerly Beloved: Wedding Values

    Queerly Beloved: Wedding Values

    Welcome to Queerly Beloved, a series of personal essays about my journey as an LGBTQ+ person planning for my wedding in June 2023. Through this series, I’ll be sharing my thoughts, experiences, and advice as I navigate the joys and challenges of planning a wedding. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help make weddings for queer couples a little bit easier and a lot more fun. So whether you’re getting ready to tie the knot, have already taken the plunge, or just want to join me on my journey for a bit, I invite you to come along for the ride!

    When Rachel and I created Roar Cat Reads, we identified six core values that we wanted to inform the experience. Those values have proved to be very useful in keeping ourselves focused on what truly matters, and we put them to use in planning our wedding.

    This felt especially important as a way to resist the siren call of the wedding industrial complex. Because I am the event planner and dreamer of our partnership, I was the one with wedding Pinterest boards and a slew of wedding podcasts queued up. This was very useful in many ways, but it was also easy for me to start thinking, “We have to do this, because everyone talks about it like a done deal.” Luckily, Rachel has mostly stayed out of these spaces, so when I start to spiral, she will suggest a walk through Stanley Park where we talk and re-center ourselves in our values. The four values we keep coming back to are Integrity, Simplicity, Equality, and Community.

    Integrity

    In the wedding context, integrity meant staying true to ourselves. There are a lot of assumptions about what is required for a party to be a wedding, and I found it difficult sometimes to find that balance between something that is meaningful for our relationship while still feeling recognizably like a wedding (which was important to me). Here are some examples of things we changed to fit our preferences and relationships:

    • No dancing! Neither Rachel nor I like to dance beyond a chaotic de-stressing living room flail. Ironically, this was one of the easiest things we decided to throw out, but one of the most entrenched assumptions we’ve run into when talking to people about our wedding.
    • Board game reception! In place of dancing, we’re gaming. One of Rachel’s bridesmaids told us to “plan a party you would want to go to,” and from there it was obvious that we needed to include board games in our reception.
    • No giving away! I’ve never been a fan of fathers giving away daughters during the ceremony, but I do think it’s nice when families walk their kid down the aisle. However, that felt weirdly performative for us, since both of our parents live in separate countries and anyway, we’ve lived together for nearly three years. We’re going to walk down the aisle together, instead, to symbolize that getting married is just one step along a path we’re already on.
    • Afternoon tea! Rachel and I love an afternoon tea. It’s one of our favorite things to do while traveling, and we’ve been slowly but surely building up the accoutremonts to host afternoon teas at home. So when we found out we could hire an afternoon tea caterer, we knew that reflected who we are and what we love.

    Simplicity

    I love planning, but that love does not extend to decorating. Thinking about how to decorate the space was literally the thing that caused me the most stress. Wedding colors? Flowers? Bunting? No thank you! Instead of decorations, it was important for us to find a venue that had enough character that we could get away with minimal decor.

    I think simplicity also meant having a “good enough” mentality throughout the planning process. This was especially relevant in choosing our wedding outfits. We were both ambivalent about what we wanted, which is SO not allowed in the wedding world. There is so much pressure to have a magical moment with your clothing. Neither of us had that, but we did have a “that’s good enough” moment, which truly was good enough!

    What simplicity did NOT mean for us was saving money to the point of not enjoying the party. We splurged when we wanted to, like when we decided to go with an afternoon tea meal. It also applied to hair and makeup; I figured I could just handle that with a good enough mentality, but my bridespeople said, “Would it feel fun to take advantage of the opportunity to be made up by someone else?” And you know what, I think it would!

    Equality

    We have some friends who are vegetarians and/or gluten free, and it was important to us to find food that would be appealing to everyone. More importantly, we didn’t want gf or veggie options to feel othering. Afternoon tea for the win! Because it’s served on tiered platters, special menus can be assigned without looking any different from other people’s food.

    This is maybe a stretch to include, but I’ve always known I didn’t want to do a bouquet toss. I hated this tradition when I was single, as it made being single seem like a problem to be solved. We weren’t going to do anything in its place, but then I saw a stuffed cat toss that I really want to do instead! While I do not want to shame someone for being single, I DO want to shame someone for being catless, and whoever catches the stuffed cat will be the next person to adopt a feline friend.

    Community

    This was, by far, the most important value that we kept returning to over and over again. The whole point of hosting a wedding (for me) is to gather the people I love in one place. Whenever I got lost in details or started worrying that something wouldn’t be perfect, this value reminded me that it doesn’t matter if something goes wrong. What matters are the family and friends who I get to celebrate with.

    What values help keep you sane while planning a stressful event? What do you center your decisions on?

  • Queerly Beloved: Wedding Party

    Queerly Beloved: Wedding Party

    Welcome to Queerly Beloved, a series of personal essays about my journey as an LGBTQ+ person planning for my wedding in June 2023. Through this series, I’ll be sharing my thoughts, experiences, and advice as I navigate the joys and challenges of planning a wedding. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help make weddings for queer couples a little bit easier and a lot more fun. So whether you’re getting ready to tie the knot, have already taken the plunge, or just want to join me on my journey for a bit, I invite you to come along for the ride!

    Rachel and I knew from the beginning that we were going to have a small wedding, and for us, that also meant having a small wedding party. When it came to choosing the people who I wanted to stand beside me as I marry Rachel, I took the following questions into consideration:

    • Have I known them for a decently long time?
    • Did I know them before I met Rachel?
    • Were they supportive when I first came out and started dating Rachel?
    • Are they “good vibes” people who I know will make me feel better when stressed?
    • Are they planners who I know I can count on take care of themselves as well as projects along the way?

    Please notice that one (often implied) qualification that was not on my list: they do not have to be a woman! One of the best things about being in a queer relationship is that the norm is already disrupted. There’s a lot more mental freedom to shake things up, and I didn’t want to limit my wedding party by gender any more than I’m limiting my dating options.

    Roy, the Best Maid

    I’ve known Roy for nearly 35 years…because he’s my older brother! In addition to being siblings, I’m grateful that we’ve become friends. We share a lot in common, from nerdy interests to a love of travel. After years of living all over the world, we’ve both wound up in the Pacific Northwest, and it is such a joy to get to hang out on a regular basis.

    When I came out, Roy was the first person I told. Actually, he was asking whether I was into girls before I even knew that I was!

    Michal Ann, the Bridesmaid

    Michal Ann and I have been friends since we first sat beside each other at seminary ten years ago. We immediately bonded over feeling too progressive for the space, and she has been a confidant, friend, and inspiration ever since.

    Although we were far from our seminary-selves when I came out to her, I was still anxious about telling people from the more conservative spaces of my life. She reacted with complete joy, sent me encouraging memes, and never lets a moment pass to tell me how happy she is that I’ve found Rachel.

    Giving Gifts

    Both people in my wedding party live outside of Vancouver and will have to travel to my wedding. That’s already a big ask, so I have tried to be generous in other ways to acknowledge their generosity. I also love gifts and taking opportunities to elevate something into a celebration. For me, that has meant:

    • Inviting them into my wedding party by ordering gift baskets delivered to their house asking them to be my bridesmaid. Fun!
    • Buying cheesy t-shirts with “I Do Crew” on them for our bachelorette weekend.
    • Not mandating a certain outfit to be worn. I truly don’t care about decorations or The Look, and I do care about my favorite people being comfortable and feeling good.

    Setting Expectations

    If you clocked the last item on my “how to choose a wedding party member” list at the top of the page, I am a checklist person, and I value other checklist people! I knew I had chosen the right people for me when both of them, during our first “You’re in my wedding party!” conversations, asked, “What do you need me to do?”

    I was clear from the beginning that I mostly want them to be hype people. I want them to take it on as a job that when I post pictures in our group chat, that they will respond with exclamation points and heart emojis. They have done that amazingly well.

    Equally important, I want them to help me when I’m stuck or when something goes wrong. Our first venue bailed on us under very shady circumstances ten months after we had booked it, and my wedding party were the first people I went to (other than Rachel, obviously). They did everything I needed, from empathizing and raging to giving me concrete and practical advice about how to handle the situation.

    As we near the wedding date, I may need them for more specific projects, but time will tell and I know they’ll be fully capable of anything I ask of them.

    How would you choose who to include in your wedding party? I’m so curious what people prioritize and value! Leave a comment and let me know.

  • Queerly Beloved: Engagement Photos

    Queerly Beloved: Engagement Photos

    Welcome to Queerly Beloved, a series of personal essays about my journey as an LGBTQ+ person planning for my wedding in June 2023. Through this series, I’ll be sharing my thoughts, experiences, and advice as I navigate the joys and challenges of planning a wedding. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help make weddings for queer couples a little bit easier and a lot more fun. So whether you’re getting ready to tie the knot, have already taken the plunge, or just want to join me on my journey for a bit, I invite you to come along for the ride!

    Early in the wedding planning process, I was super excited to get engagement photos taken; I think the idea of having a concrete representation of our decision really appealed to me. After some stressful online searching, I found Tristan of Wander West Photography. I loved her bright, clean photos (I’m not a fan of artsy wedding photographers – I want to see people’s happy faces!) and the fact that she had photos of same-sex couples in her portfolio.

    I am so grateful to have chosen Tristan, because she has made the whole experience comfortable and fun. Some of the things I most appreciated about her are:

    • She is part of the rainbow mafia, and she expressed excitement about having the opportunity to shoot a queer couple.
    • She asked how comfortable we were with PDA, especially in the context of being queer women showing affection in public spaces. She made it clear that we could nix any photo ideas that made us feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
    • We made it clear from the beginning that neither of us are naturally good at modeling or posing, and she offered simple instructions throughout the shoot on where to stand, how to hold each other, and where to put our hands or faces.
    • She took a broad range of shots and tried different things, but she moved quickly so that I never felt stuck in one position or like I wasn’t get a particular idea correct.

    I cannot stress how much I went into the engagement photo shoot feeling overwhelmed and unsure, but she turned the experience into something really fun and comfortable.

    Consider These Practicalities

    • As with all things wedding related, do not Google “wedding photographer” or “engagement photographer.” Instead, search for photographers and check their website to see if they shoot weddings. This will open up your search to cheaper options!
    • Use your wedding photographer to take your engagement photos. This gives you a chance to see their work (and choose someone else for the wedding, in a worst case scenario) and to see what it’s like to work with them.
    • Look for evidence that they work with same-sex and/or gender diverse clients. Additionally, ask them how their experience working with queer clients; their answer will be illuminating!
    • Choose a photographer that you will feel comfortable around. Are you able to state your opinions, desires, and wishes? Do you feel listened to? Do they make you feel comfortable?
    • Choose outfits that complement each other, either in style, colour, or both.
    • This is definitely just my opinion, but we wore outfits that are pretty much just us on a regular (though slightly elevated) day. I wanted to be able to look at these pictures and see the everyday aspects of our relationships, as the fancy versions of ourselves would be documented at the wedding.
    • Use your engagement photos in Save the Dates, invitations, your wedding website, and Christmas cards.

    Taking Photos in Stanley Park

    Our engagement photo session lasted just one hour, and because we chose a location in Stanley Park with diverse backdrops, we came away with a lot of really cool photos in a short amount of time!

    The Bridge

    The Foliage

    The Beach

    The Outtakes

    No photoshoot is complete without the pictures that didn’t QUITE achieve the desired outcome. I loved that Tristan included these in the finished photos she sent us; they make me crack up every time I see them!

  • Queerly Beloved: Choosing Your Guest List for a Gay Wedding

    Queerly Beloved: Choosing Your Guest List for a Gay Wedding

    Welcome to Queerly Beloved, a series of personal essays about my journey as an LGBTQ+ person planning for my wedding in June 2023. Through this series, I’ll be sharing my thoughts, experiences, and advice as I navigate the joys and challenges of planning a wedding. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help make weddings for queer couples a little bit easier and a lot more fun. So whether you’re getting ready to tie the knot, have already taken the plunge, or just want to join me on my journey for a bit, I invite you to come along for the ride!

    I grew up in a social system where church was center of everything. I attended innumerable wedding showers, ceremonies, and receptions for people at our Baptist church, and I always assumed I would get married by my pastor with hundreds of people in attendance.

    Then I fell in love with a woman and agreed to marry her.

    The mental image I had of my wedding had to shift dramatically. In the years that we were dating, I had thought about this in the abstract and assumed I was prepared. But when the engagement was official and wedding planning began, I was hit by a wave of grief that surprised me in its intensity. I couldn’t assume universal goodwill toward my marriage. I no longer trusted that the people who raised me and supported me for 30 years would want to celebrate one of the most significant moments of my life.

    For me, one of the most stressful parts of this was that so much hinged on assumptions. I was lucky enough, I suppose, not to experience anyone explicitly cutting off our relationship when I came out. What I experienced instead was radio silence. People who used to be intimately involved in my life and relationships suddenly had nothing to say. In many cases, I had no idea how they would respond if I invited them to my wedding.

    And that was the thing my anxious brain hated the most. There were a couple people who I knew would say no, and they did. That didn’t really bother me, because it was clearcut and I could prepare my heart for the disappointment. But the people whose decisions I wasn’t sure about? I imagined them having heartfelt conversations around the dinner table about whether attending my wedding would be a sin or not. About whether showing up at my wedding would be giving tacit approval of the “homosexual lifestyle” and how that would be perceived by others. It made me feel sick.

    In the end, it was my bridesmaid Michal Ann who made everything very clear. “You’re an amazing person,” she said over the phone. “Anyone who doesn’t appreciate you for exactly who you are doesn’t deserve to come to your wedding. And it’s their loss.”

    In addition to showing off exactly why I chose her to stand beside me on my wedding day, she helped me to reframe this decision. I’m the same person I’ve always been – silly and passionate and kind. If people no longer want to be close to me because I’m going to marry a woman, that is their loss! I don’t need to waste my emotions on wondering whether someone will want to be there on one of the biggest days of my life. I want to prioritize people who I know want to be there on one of the biggest days of my life.

    We’ve chosen a venue with a max capacity of 50 guests. That necessity helps to justify why there will be fewer people at my wedding than I imagined when growing up. But I’ve come to appreciate how lucky I am that I know each of those 50 people loves me deeply and completely, just as I am. Those are the people I want to celebrate with.

  • Queerly Beloved: Why Get Married?

    Queerly Beloved: Why Get Married?

    Welcome to Queerly Beloved, a series of personal essays about my journey as an LGBTQ+ person planning for my wedding in June 2023. Through this series, I’ll be sharing my thoughts, experiences, and advice as I navigate the joys and challenges of planning a wedding. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help make weddings for queer couples a little bit easier and a lot more fun. So whether you’re getting ready to tie the knot, have already taken the plunge, or just want to join me on my journey for a bit, I invite you to come along for the ride!

    Why Get Married?

    I’ve always been a romantic. One of my Halloween costumes when I was a kid was a bride. Not Frankenstein’s bride or something seasonally appropriate; just a bride with a white dress and a veil. I wore that costume as a nightgown until I finally outgrew it, physically if not emotionally.

    I know marriage isn’t for everyone, but I grew up with couples whose marriages inspired me to look for something similar. My maternal grandparents in particular have the sort of love, loyalty, and care that I’ve always hoped to find for myself. So when I met Rachel, it was obvious that we would get married!

    Just kidding.

    When I met Rachel, she was a year out from separating from her first wife. Although they remained amicable (and this was a huge green flag to me), she was understandably Done with romance. One of my first memories with her is watching season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and her jeering at Spike for being so needy. “Oh no,” I thought. “I think he’s romantic!”

    During our year as friends, Rachel began to date again and I came to terms with being queer. We individually flirted with the idea of polyamory, to the point that I took my shot by asking her out while she was actively dating someone else. She turned me down, which was an indication that she didn’t actually want an open relationship. Deep down, we are U-Haul lesbians who just want to hide in the safe harbour of our love!! What? I did start this essay by admitting I’m romantic.

    A few months after we started dating, we had an open conversation about what we wanted long term. As a counsellor and as an anxious person, I’m a big believer in talking honestly about your relationship expectations sooner rather than later. “Getting married isn’t a deal breaker for me, but it is something I am interested in,” I said. Rachel thought for a minute, then said, “Getting married isn’t something I’m interested in, but it’s not a deal breaker.”

    That’s where we were for over a year, though we also moved in together and opened a shared bank account. I felt more settled with the idea that commitment doesn’t require legalizing the relationship with an expensive party. Rachel healed from her previous relationship and admitted that she is just as much a romantic as I am, if not more. I learned of this change when one day she turned to me and said, out of the blue, “I’m going to marry you someday.” I’m not sure exactly what my response was, but it probably entailed me physically leaping on her and demanding, “Are you serious!?”

    Okay, so I still really wanted to get married.

    Over time, it became accepted that we were on the Marriage Path, but it wasn’t until we were engaged that we attended couple’s counselling and identified why we wanted to get married. For both of us, the legal and formal aspects weren’t important. Our relationship was just as valid whether we were partners or wives. It’s the symbolism of marriage that made a wedding desirable.

    I won’t speak for Rachel, but for me, there is something uniquely special about gathering friends and family together at a wedding to say, “This relationship is special. This person is special, and what we’re building together deserves celebration. It’s also going to require flexibility and hard work, so we’re asking you to be our community of support, both individually and as a couple.”

    Putting on fancy outfits and hiring a caterer doesn’t fundamentally change our relationship. But it does change the feel of it. Ritual adds weight to a thing, and the ritual of a wedding gives our relationship solidity. It’s not necessary, but it’s beautiful.

    As of this posting, we are five months away from our wedding. I would love Rachel the same even if we never got married, but I’m excited to layer our relationship with the symbols of marriage and the label of wife.