RETRACTION
It has been brought to my attention that a part of last week’s blog entry was factually incorrect. This terrible oversight has shaken me to my core. How could I be so careless, how many lives were affected by my inaccurate reporting, what damage has been done to my integrity and that of this fantasy football community?
I wish to set the record straight. I implied that the Beards won their week 7 match up against Team Sorto but they did not. They lost. They lost by 15 points, points that were not on their bench. They never could have won that game and to say that it could have been otherwise would be false.
My deepest apologies, Sports Ballers, sometimes it is hard to see through all the liquid squalor, but that is no excuse! I shall wipe the green crap off the inside of my tank and report only the truth and my wildly fluctuating opinion on our collective attempts to play fantasy football.
Last Week’s Games
Purple Moose vs Seacows
The Moose rallied a valiant 123 points in this game with good performances from promising players. They have shaken off the slight stumble and continue to hound the Fire Pandas and Finger Puppets in the underdog division.
On the other side of the ball, it was all flipper injuries, disappointed booped snoots, and the power of Loving to throw short passes and interceptions.
Seeing as there was not a decisive Scapecow of the week last week, apparently I decided to let them have another week to sort it out (I have definitely not become so despondent on what is now a month without a win that I forgot to swap out my defence) and the result is:
The Cincinatti Defence! Congratulations, I would have done better if I had kept the roster spot empty. It shouldn’t be possible to win two scapecow awards in a row, but you did it! Can you make it 3? Will I let you? …let’s find out next week.
Bad News Bears vs the replacements
There are three guarantees in life: Death, taxes and that the replacements will follow a monster week with a nap.
The Bad News Bears add another win and several more pounds to their winter bulk, and are looking sleepy.
Team Sorto vs Fire Pandas
Polite messages were exchanged in the chat, broken hearts and exuberant cheers were kept behind closed doors, feelings were stuffed deep deep down…I’m only kidding, when a psychologist and a counsellor battle for supremacy only well adjusted humans emerge.
Real Slim Brady vs Beards
CMC returned but appeared to be easing back in rather than going full hulk smash, at least there was some consolation for Krista that the Patriots won that game.
Those Mutton Chops tho… a coordinated 15.2 each for the RBs and an average 16.85 for the WR, Damn. Volume and luscious texture provided by a sweet 19 points from the New England defence, my my Beards.
Battling Finger Puppets vs Eurasian collared Doves
Both top scores in this game, Doves’ 142 would have beaten anyone else but Carrie who had 187 – more than the combined score in the Bad News Bears/replacements game.
ECD found a suitable replacement, and Carson Wentz played heckagood.
The Battling Finger Puppets’ stack came out with 50 points and inspired the rest of the team. James Connor took full advantage of the opportunity an early injury to teammate Edmonds presented and racked up 40 points.
Standings After Week 9
There was some movement on the table this week but don’t get excited, it’s just the Seacows sinking below the Beards.
The Chart (of Lies)
The chart has a new favorite! Battling Finger Puppets are projected top spot, displacing the Bad News Bears.
Preview of This Week’s Games
Sad Fluid Squalor Seacows vs Beards ‘R Us
If the Seacows are to have any hope of turning their season around and making the play offs, this game is a must win against division rival Beards. The same could be said for the Beards. Riding on the back of a 2 game winning streak, they will be looking to mow down the Manatees without getting their facial hair damp.
Fire Pandas vs the replacements
The replacement pendulum is expected to swing up, and the Pandas, playful creatures that they are, love tire swings and will attempt to hop on. The result: an adorable Panda on a tire swing or an adorable panda falling off a tire swing?
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Purple Moose
An honorable animal battle, where deadly sharp beaks and air superiority shall battle deadly sharp antlers and a sturdy four feet on the ground. The prize: a win and legitimacy to the claim to be the greatest animal team in the league.
Bad News Bears vs Real Slim Brady
Will this be the week someone stops the Bears? Perhaps if Krista named her team the ‘Actually Vaccinated Rogers.’ He loves owning the Bears…
Battling Finger Puppets vs Team Sorto
A depleted finger puppet back field might give team Sorto a chance for an upset in this game. The projection is against them, but another good performance from fellow underdog New York Jets could make the difference in this one.
Roar Cat Reads 
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