Roar Cat Reads

Author: Trish

  • Black Sails Season 2 Episode 9 Review – XVII

    Black Sails Season 2 Episode 9 Review – XVII

    Flint and Miranda confront their past.  Bonny declares her intents to Rackham.  Vane takes a massive prize.  Eleanor declares war.

    (Summary provided by starz.com)

    BEST FLINT MOMENT

    This is another excellent Flint episode where literally everything he does is phenomenal, but the scene that always stands out to me is when he agrees to Peter’s plan and consents to being publicly humiliated for the sake of Nassau/Thomas’s dream.

    Peter:  There are men in Whitehall who could potentially find a proposal such as yours to be plausible…but there are other men who will oppose it categorically for the same reason all men refuse to do the things they should.  Pride.
    James:  You think they’re too proud to put pardons on the table?
    Peter:  I think they fear you.  And to capitulate to something one fears is a humiliation that powerful men cannot accept.  If we are to persuade them to ally with you, then we have to completely redefine their understanding of who you are, what you are.
    James:  How do you propose we do that?
    Peter:  With the truth…You will stand up, and you will tell your story…You will reveal everything.  And when you do, Captain Flint will be unmasked, the monster slain.  And in his place will stand before all the world a flawed man, a man that England can relate to and offer its forgiveness.

    We KNOW that Flint cares desperately about how people view him.  And we KNOW that Flint wants England to apologize to him, that he finds the idea of apologizing to England intolerable.  So when Peter suggests that he publicly expose himself, his love for Thomas, his murders and great deeds, that he apologize for everything to men who want to see him look small…it is astounding that he agrees.  It is astounding that as he stands to think, he smiles before agreeing.  What is going on through his mind?  Is it ironic, because he was prepared for a battle, but he got this instead?  Is it relief, because he will finally tell the full truth?  Or is it simply joy, knowing that at the end of a long road, he has finally found a solution that will bring Thomas’s dream into reality?

    WHATEVER IT IS, I LOVE HIM.  He’s so brave in this moment.  Braver even than when he’s fighting.

    TODAY’S RUNNER UP

    Miranda!  Oh, God, Miranda.  She is phenomenal in this episode.  She notices the clock and fears what it means, but she keeps it inside because she doesn’t want to disturb the plan.  When it becomes clear that the man who betrayed them is asking Flint to humiliate himself without the decency of offering the humiliation of his own sins in turn, she is DONE.  Her disgust, her utter contempt for him is astounding.  We’ve seen her become angry with Flint before, but this is her whole inner world being revealed.  All the pain and fury and unfairness that she’s kept locked up…she’s finally letting it out.  And they kill her for it.

    Miranda:  You destroyed our lives!  You caused our exile!  Thomas died in a cold, dark place–
    Peter:  What more do you want from me?
    Miranda:  What do I want?  I want to see this whole goddamn city, this city that you purchased with our misery, burn!  I want to see you hanged on the very gallows you’ve used to hang men for crimes far slighter than this.  I want to see that noose around your neck and I want to pull the fucking lever with my own two hands!

    RIP Miranda.  I loved you!

    WELL-FORMED THOUGHTS

    “When I first met Mr. Gates and he asked me my name, I feared the man I was about to create.  I feared that someone born of such dark things would consume me were I not careful, and I was determined only to wear him for a while and then dispose of him when his purpose was complete.  Am I ready to let him go?  Truth is every day I’ve worn that name I’ve hated him a little more. I’ve been ready to return him to the sea for a long time.”

    The cognitive dissonance that is being James McGraw/James Flint.  This revelation, that he hated being Captain Flint, is a gut-punch, even though we saw the first hints of it in his conversation with Silver about whether he was viewed as a villain.  But this depth of self-hatred?  WOW, it is horrible.

    It must be agonizing to feed the darkest parts of yourself (we know James McGraw had a violence in him that was “darker and wilder” than other men’s), to intentionally develop that darkness when every other part of you wants to stop.  It must be confusing to fear being consumed by that darkness while also loving what that darkness makes you capable of doing, to hate yourself for loving it.

    James McGraw:  the most tragic figure in all existence, about to become even more tragic.

    FRAGMENTED THOUGHTS

    • Poor Eleanor.  It must be awful to grieve a confusing loss AND put up with people who are Performing Grief in order to impress you or size up your strength.  Even more awful when the woman you used to love pretends to understand, but she’s just sizing you up too.
    • How unbelievably sexy is it that Flint became captain of a pirate crew in less than four months?  How perfect it is that he became captain by “being someone worth listening to”?
    • How unbelievably weird is it to see Flint as the calming influence?? His hand on Miranda’s back.  

    “We were angry.  We allowed that anger to drive us to a dark deed.  But I ask you not to judge me by that one deed.  Judge me by the ends that I have come here in service of.”

    • James’s acceptance of his sins but request to be viewed as more than them reminds me of Eleanor’s statement in 208: “I have done what I’ve done and I will live with it.  But do not for a moment believe that that defines me.”  They really are so similar.
    • Billy saying “You’re all good people” to his crew is HILARIOUS (but no LOL section for this episode because NO ONE DESERVES TO LAUGH after Miranda’s murder.
    • The hope that shines in Flint’s eyes when Peter first entertains their plan – OH it’s painful now.
    • RIP Randall.    This is the second time the Ranger crew has boarded a ship by water just this season.  Someone really should be keeping better tabs on them.
    • BILLY VS. VANE, wow!!
    • Silver is so good at producing solutions out of impossible situations.  When Vincent asks if Silver is saving the two of them or the whole crew, Silver doesn’t answer.  He doesn’t know either.
    • Eleanor’s emphatic assertion that she’s not a pirate felt jarring to me at first. But Vane confirmed her worst fears that pirates, no matter how much they say they love you, will murder your father if you take something valuable from them.  BRB CRYING FOREVER.  Of course she wants to eradicate piracy with a vengeance.
    • Anne comes back just in the nick of time, because Jack and Featherstone would literally be dead without her.  Her reunion with Jack is lovely.  She apologizes, and he looks so scared to approach her too quickly, unsure of who she is and where he stands with her.
    • It’s very satisfying that as Max, Jack, and Featherstone hesitate, Anne is the one to set their pursuit of the Urca gold in motion.  She’s found herself, and therefore her confidence.
    • The conversation between Vane and Billy is lovely.  Shockingly sad to hear him call Billy “Mr. Gates’s boy,” and shockingly perfect to hear that Vane recognizes Billy’s “proper pirate”ness and has long wanted him on his own crew.
    • Silver is helping Flint’s crew survive, Billy is convincing Vane to help Flint.  We might as well rename the show Black Sails: the Story of a Bunch of People Who Hate Flint But Find Themselves Helping Him Regardless
    • It’s ironic that the story Peter wants Flint to tell Whitehall, the true story, is one that made us as viewers see him as Bigger and More, but it’s a story that will make Asshole London think of him as small.
    • Am I reading too much into the fact that an angry woman gets killed for speaking her mind in a world that values submissive, supportive women?  Feels a little on the nose to me.  I see what you’re doing, showrunners!
    • I don’t like Peter, but I do think his plan is genuine.  I think he regrets his past actions and has convinced himself that it was his only choice (“a hard choice”).  I think he does still want the redemption of Nassau and will work with James and Miranda to accomplish it, even if his plan keeps himself above questioning while submitting James to humiliation.  The Turning Point when he becomes a villain is when Miranda is murdered and his solution to this is to publicly try and hang Flint.

    “You wish to return to civilization, THAT is what civilization is.”

    • Major props to Vane for seeing the bigger picture so quickly.  He trusted Billy’s experience, and when it was substantiated, he realized that his only option is to do a 180 and rescue Flint.  This Vane is so much more interesting than selfish “show me my future in this room” Vane.

    “Nassau is strongest when she is feared.  And if what promises to happen here tomorrow actually happens, a trophy made of one of her most notorious captains, she may never be feared again.  So I suggest we do something about this.  I suggest we get him the hell out of there.”

    Not done reliving the episode?  Listen to Daphne and Liz’s podcast at Fathoms Deep!

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  • June Monthly Round Up

    Because of Pride month, June provided a ton of great queer content for all to enjoy! Below are some of my favorite links from the month, from queer awakenings to multi-cultural queer book lists!

    Queer Kid Stuff Relaunches Its Website to Offer Fun Ways to Teach Children (and Adults) About the LGBTQ+ Community

    10 Black Queer Musicians To Vibe Out To This Summer!

    Twitter Users Share Their Queer Awakenings Just in Time for Pride

    Three Decades of Pride Books for Kids (and 700+ Books and Media for LGBTQ Families)

    Reads Rainbow released a awesome series of intersectional LGBT book recs, including:

    Tor prioritizes publishing queer stories, and their convention panels similarly feature many queer authors! You can watch videos of the online convention online at A Recap of TorCon 2021.

    “The 2000s Made Me Gay” Is a Pop Culture Filled Ode to the Queer Millennial Experience

    30 Must-Read Queer Fairytale Retellings for Pride

    Don’t Miss These Roar Cat Reads Posts

    Evangelicals and Captain Flint’s “Dragons” Speech in Black Sails

    Biphobia and Other Struggles of Queer Women with Tricia and Jess

    Adventure Queers: Meet Allonté Barakat!

    How to Start a Local Book Club

    7 Queer Podcasts to Fill Your Ears with Rainbows

    Books I Read in June

    If you missed one of my book reviews this month, never fear! Check them all out below.

  • Alice Payne Rides by Kate Heartfield

    Alice Payne Rides by Kate Heartfield

    Alice Payne returns in the thrilling sequel to Kate Heartfield’s Alice Payne Arrives.

    After abducting Arthur of Brittany from his own time in 1203, thereby creating the mystery that partly prompted the visit in the first place, Alice and her team discover that they have inadvertently brought the smallpox virus back to 1780 with them.

    Searching for a future vaccine, Prudence finds that the various factions in the future time war intend to use the crisis to their own advantage.

    Can the team prevent an international pandemic across time, and put history back on its tracks? At least until the next battle in the time war…

    Goodreads

    Whereas the first novella in this series focused primarily on two alternating threads featuring Alice Payne and Prudence Zuniga respectively, the sequel has much more of an adventure team feel. I loved getting more time with Jane Hogdson and Constable Wray Auden. They’re all in the know where time travel is concerned, and I found it uniquely delightful to read about time travelers who are (mostly) from the 1780s. It’s such a fun juxtaposition to have futuristic tech in a historical setting.

    I also thought it was unique and clever of Heartfield to dwell on the ramifications of time travel and disease transmission. The group hops through time and accidentally brings smallpox home, then has to jump forward to get a vaccine, and of course – hijinks! For anyone with COVID fatigue, please be assured that this is neither an overwhelming part of the book nor is it portrayed with much fear. I had just never seen a book about time travel address the fact that it would be super easy to screw history up with a sneeze.

    Like Alice Payne Arrives, the science fiction aspects of the story are just outside of my understanding, but not so much that it affects the joy of the story. The characters are what really matter here, and watching them accidentally gather a motley crew of abandoned historical footnotes (there would have been an actual King Arthur if not for their meddling!) at Alice’s English estate. I hope we get to see more of them in the future!

    Rating: 4 out of 5.

    Check out our Queer Lil Library for more book recommendations and reviews!

  • Pride Flag Book Tag

    Pride Flag Book Tag

    Rekindled Bibliophile shared another great book tag, and I had to jump on the train! This tag was originally developed by Common Spence on YouTube.

    RED – LIFE

    A book with a spirited protagonist who is totally proud of who they are. Someone who gives you LIFE!

    Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert (contemporary romance)

    Take a Hint, Dani Brown is a super fun romance novel starring Dani, a confident bisexual black woman who knows how great she is and knows what she wants from life. She questions her aversion to committed relationships when she fake dates sweetie pie Zafir (“what if this fake dating was…real dating?” she wonders against her will), but she never questions her self-worth or her bisexuality.

    ORANGE – HEALING

    A book that made you, as the reader, find a deeper meaning or catharsis in your own life.

    Pet by Akwaeke Emezi (YA fantasy)

    Pet is a short but powerful book about the dangers of letting optimism turn into blinders. I was blown away by the way the book used monsters metaphorically and literally, challenging readers to question monstrosity – what it is and how to live in a world that says monsters are eradicated.

    YELLOW – SUNSHINE

    A book that fills you with so much joy it could brighten even your darkest day.

    The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune

    The House in the Cerulean Sea is such an adorable book! When a magical social worker is assigned to evaluate an especially dangerous orphanage, we watch him fall in love with the kids (actual son of satan Lucy, wyvern Theodore, tentacled bellhop-afficiando Chauncy, and many others) and fall in love with the man who runs the place. It’s the formation of a queer family, with all the love and fear and uniqueness that makes queer families great!

    GREEN – NATURE

    A book that is set out of this world — a reality different to our own.

    The Unspoken Name by A.K. Larkwood

    Most of the books I read could apply to this topic, but The Unspoken Name is my favorite queer fantasy novel. A lesbian orc protagonist who disobeys her culture’s mandate to die and instead becomes an assassin for a wizard…how could anyone not love this plot? The world building is so creative and fun, and there are multiple queer relationships to enjoy!

    BLUE – PEACE

    A book where one of the characters finds peace with a difficult truth.

    Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Saenz

    Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe is an old favorite of mine, telling the story of two Latinx young men who are best friends struggling (to varying degrees) with their attraction to each other. Dante is our protagonist, a thoughtful, quiet, angsty kid who finally blossoms into self-acceptance in stunningly beautiful scenes. It’s a quiet book, but a page turner, and I love it more on every reread.

    PURPLE – SPIRIT

    A book that deals with LGBT+ themes and religion.

    Naamah by Sarah Blake

    Naamah is the fictional name of Noah’s wife, and in this retelling of the biblical flood narrative, she is a bisexual woman who rails against the horror of surviving a global genocide that wiped out her female lover and everyone else besides. This book wrestles with survivor’s guilt, faith (or lack thereof) in a deity that would cause such destruction, and how to build a new life after unimaginable grief. I can’t recommend it highly enough!

  • Sharp Ends by Joe Abercrombie

    Sharp Ends by Joe Abercrombie

    Genre | Grimdark Fantasy
    Page #s | 287
    Publishing Date | April 2016

    Sharp Ends is the ultimate collection of award winning tales and exclusive new short stories from the master of grimdark fantasy, Joe Abercrombie.

    Violence explodes, treachery abounds, and the words are as deadly as the weapons in this rogue’s gallery of side-shows, back-stories, and sharp endings from the world of the First Law.

    The Union army may be full of bastards, but there’s only one who thinks he can save the day single-handed when the Gurkish come calling: the incomparable Colonel Sand dan Glokta.

    Curnden Craw and his dozen are out to recover a mysterious item from beyond the Crinna. Only one small problem: no one seems to know what the item is.

    Shevedieh, the self-styled best thief in Styria, lurches from disaster to catastrophe alongside her best friend and greatest enemy, Javre, Lioness of Hoskopp.

    And after years of bloodshed, the idealistic chieftain Bethod is desperate to bring peace to the North. There’s only one obstacle left — his own lunatic champion, the most feared man in the North: the Bloody-Nine . . .

    Goodreads

    I am not a person who is drawn to grimdark stories, but Joe Abercrombie is Rachel’s favorite fantasy author. She asked me to read Best Served Cold a year ago, and this year she had me read Sharp Ends. We couldn’t stop talking about it for two days, so even though my main reaction is, “He’s clearly an amazing author; why can’t he just write about nice things?”, it is clear his work leaves a mark.

    Sharp Ends is a series of interlocking short stories that can be read alone but would resonate more deeply if you already knew the characters from his other series. Even though I only recognized some of the names, I was still immediately drawn in. Abercrombie is an absolute master when it comes to creating relatable characters with rich personalities in only a few lines. I honestly don’t know how he makes dozens of believable characters, some of whom only live for a page or two.

    Because that’s the thing…this book is so violent! And gratuitously so. If the people in the stories weren’t having such interesting feelings about the terrible things they find themselves doing, I wouldn’t give this book even one star. But every character is so interesting, most of them wrestling with some kind of cognitive dissonance, wanting to be good people but then rationalizing leaving a wounded person to be murdered or having to kill ten people to finish a thieving job. If nothing else, this book makes a very compelling case for the philosophical argument that people aren’t bad, we’re all just products of a system that necessitates bad actions.

    I also admire Abercrombie for never shying away from the implications of the violence in his world. In one of the most memorable short stories, we see “nobodies” who died in the wake of Murcatto’s warpath of revenge in Best Served Cold. From a bank teller who worries about pleasing his wife to a prostitute who comforts a soldier who needs a good cry, their lives are snuffed out by another protagonist’s actions. We aren’t allowed to revel in the violence, because the faceless masses are given faces. I like that quite a lot.

    Another thing Abercrombie does well is his ability to write women as actual people. They’re as grumpy, snarky, and brutal as any man in the book, but they also worry about their itchy inseams and if the girl they’ve always pined after is only using them. Even though there is a lot of prostitution in his stories, there isn’t explicit sexual violence. Instead, the job is portrayed like all the other jobs – something that is often unwanted and unsavory, but necessary to get by.

    I’m never going to gravitate to a Joe Abercrombie book because my heart is overly sensitive. But I can appreciate his skill and wish I had a stronger stomach when Rachel offers me the next book in a year.

    What Makes This Book Queer?

    The only storyline that is repeatedly returned to is of Shev, a lesbian thief who has fallen in love with courier who repeatedly sells her out. Romance is not an optimistic endeavor in this book, but Shev’s relationship with Carcolf isn’t the one that’s most meaningful. Instead we get an amazing female duo in Shev and Javre, a massive warrior woman who insists that Shev is her henchman, sidekick maybe, definitely not partner. They are a joy to behold, and I would definitely read a whole book about them without needing a yearlong break in between.

    Who Would I Recommend This Book To?

    Sharp Ends is great little book for someone who wants to dip their toes into Abercrombie’s world or for someone who just wants a “realistic” fantasy setting (aka violent and dark).

    Rating: 4 out of 5.

    Come chat books with us on Roar Cat Reads’ discord.

  • I Can’t Stop Thinking About Inside by Bo Burnham

    I Can’t Stop Thinking About Inside by Bo Burnham

    Not strictly queer, but holy cow, I’m queer and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Inside, so here goes.

    The first time I watched Inside, the Netflix special by Bo Burnham, my eyes dried out because I literally could not look away. It was beautiful, harrowing, and utterly engaging. “Look, I made you some content. Daddy made you your favorite, so open wide.” Did he ever! In revealing himself, he revealed my own obsession with sharing myself but not wanting to be seen, with overthinking every thought and vulnerable admission into uselessness. It is uncomfortable, dark, and the best thing I’ve watched all year.

    Inside is about the timeless intersection of depression, anxiety, and performance combined with the specific circumstances of a privileged white person dealing with COVID isolation and his culpability in creating a culture that is harmful to BIPOC people. The beginning of the show (especially songs “Comedy” and “How the World Works” as well as the bit about brands fixing racial injustice) is a self-deprecating attempt to defend his voice as a straight white man during the Black Lives Matter movement. It was a turnoff for someone I recommended this to, but I found his honesty entertaining and illuminating. I never fail to crack up when his sweet singing voice transitions into a demonic negation when he asks, “Should I give away all my money? NO!” I relate to the struggle! In the increasingly terrifying song “How the World Works,” Burnham perfectly demonstrates the subtle and scary power that he has as a white man. Is it changing the world? Maybe not, but it does reveal truths in uncomfortable in hopefully beneficial ways.

    Burnham is a comedian, and there are definitely some excellent comedy bits in the show, from songs about Facetiming his mom to the truly phenomenal “White Woman’s Instagram.” But as the hour and a half special continues, his hair and beard grow out, and the bright creative energy takes on a real vulnerability. The show ends with him sitting naked at his keyboard, hunched into himself as he sings his deepest fears at an audience he both craves and resents (“Hey, here’s a fun idea: how ’bout I sit on the couch, and I watch you next time? I want to hear you tell a joke when no one’s laughing in the background.”) It’s a familiar feeling for any of us who thought the isolation of the pandemic would jumpstart our creative projects but instead found ourselves dealing with the darkest and most uncomfortable parts of ourselves. I respect the hell out of him for finishing the project, for allowing it to get darker and keeping it all as representative of his experience.

    The turning point in the show, for me, is when he jokes about killing himself, then immediately cuts to a new scene. In a lighthearted conversational tone, he assures viewers that it isn’t cool to joke about suicide, and that anyone who feels like they want to die should reach out for help. It’s a hollow after school special that works because the video is projected onto a second Burnham’s white t-shirt. He literally wears his message, but his face is drawn and intense. We’re left with the knowledge that he knows this is what he’s supposed to say, even if it doesn’t change the feelings of pain that he is sorting through. It’s arresting, creative, and heartbreakingly relatable.

    From that point on, the social issues of the first half of the show fade into self-reflection and admission, “How we feeling out there tonight? Yeaaah! I am not feeling good.” Burnham perfectly portrays a Twitch streamer controlling his own uncontrollable life, stuck in a single room with the only available action: crying. This layers upon layers is a consistent theme throughout the show, and I have never seen my own propensity to overthink so accurately portrayed. In one segment early on, he watches himself sing a song about unpaid interns, commenting upon what’s happening, until this too is layered upon, commenting upon his comments, and again. It is a physical representation of a thought spiral, going deeper and deeper into his psyche through the medium of an Internet pastime.

    Speaking of the Internet! My favorite song in the entire show is undoubtedly “Welcome to the Internet,” in which he lures us like a carnival barker with “a little bit of everything all of the time.” His madcap lists of all that the Internet has to offer, from tips for straining pasta to a nine-year-old who died, damn viewers with our unthinking engagement in a system that demands more, more, more. It’s a fun song, one I can’t stop singing, even though it absolutely fills me with fear.

    Guys, I love this show. I’ve tried to describe some of what makes it so appealing to me, but I can’t do it full justice. Watching Bo Burnham’s Inside is an emotional experience that hits deeper than words and explanation. If you’ve ever felt trapped inside your own head, I think you’ll relate to this production. I know I felt seen, understood, and oddly hopeful, knowing that I’m not alone in my mass of twisted feelings that are both strange and beautiful.

  • Rory aka Roar Cat’s 10th Birthday!

    Rory aka Roar Cat’s 10th Birthday!

    Roar Cat Reads is named after our cat Rory, who today celebrates being the cutest little guy for ten whole years!

    Rory was Tricia’s cat originally, born a farm cat in central Illinois. After the death of their family dog, she went to the house of a family she used to babysit to hang out with their kittens (it was a farm; there were always kittens). There were two new cats that were just three months old. One was standoffish, and the other curled up in her arms. She took the cuddly one home and named him Rory after the Doctor Who character who, cat-like, died and came back to life on the regular.

    When Tricia moved to Texas, Rory moved with her. When she moved to Greece, he stayed behind with her parents. But after an entire year, when she came home for Christmas, he ran to her and followed her everywhere. Cats are the actual best. When Tricia moved to Vancouver, she brought Rory with her for a terrifying four days in the car. They lived together happily until she was laid off and kicked out her home, so he lived with Tricia’s friend Ken for three months while she found a cat-friendly apartment. Tricia, Rachel, and Rory all moved in together in July 2020, and will hopefully stay in one place for a long time to come!

    I say all of this because Rory is the most adaptable cat I’ve ever met. Every time I moved him, I worried I would ruin his sweet disposition, but he remains one of the friendliest cats in the world. In honor of his 10th birthday, here are 10 of my favorite pictures of Rory aka Roar Cat.

  • Black Sails Season 2 Episode 8 Review – XVI

    Black Sails Season 2 Episode 8 Review – XVI

    Flint and Miranda prepare for the worst.  Silver has his eyes opened.  Eleanor discovers Max’s secret.  Vane makes his move.

    (Summary provided by starz.com)

    BEST FLINT MOMENT

    It is so lovely to see Flint confiding in Miranda, being vulnerable with her and admitting that 1) his decade-long plan might have served to make him into a man that cannot pull off his new plan, and 2) he has done unforgivable things along the way.  Watching them talk about who they were, who they have become, and reassuring each other that they love each other still IS SO GREAT.  They see each other and are seen!!

    Miranda:  It’s like some sort of clock that’s finally struck its chime and woken me from this dream we’ve been living, reminded me how many years separate me from a world I still think of as home.  How unrecognizable the woman I am now would be to the woman I was then.
    Flint:  I recognize you.  Do you recognize me?
    Miranda:  Yes.
    Flint:  So that’s in our favor.

    JAMES AND MIRANDA (WITH THE GHOST OF THOMAS’S DREAM) AGAINST THE WORLD!!

    TODAY’S RUNNER UP

    Silver!  Our boy is getting his first taste of power.  Mr. Scott sees his ability to tell a story as a power that possibly equals Flint’s, but later we see his power goes beyond that.  Vincent kills his partner at a Look from Silver, though he (and other Walrus men) won’t obey Flint until Silver explains why.  When pressed, Vincent says he thinks Silver gives a shit about his interests, which is funny because we know he definitely does not.

    Silver is thrown by this admission, and it’s hard to see what he’s thinking.  Does this realization mean that Silver sees power in pretending to care for a crew (it’s possible to be liked and feared), or does being treated as a caring person inspire him to become caring?

    His character arc is going to be thrown for a major loop in a couple episodes, but it’s fascinating to think where he might have gone had that not happened.  Based on this episode, I think he might have gone quite dark.

    LOL MOMENT

    Featherstone:  We leave the bulk of the coin in the trench, keep the location secret, and rotate men in watches to keep it under guard.
    Max:  Your answer as where to secure five million pieces of eight is to dig a hole?

    That’s a nice little dig at pirate mythology.  

    WELL-FORMED THOUGHTS

    Thanks to Abigail’s voiceovers, we get quite a lot of philosophy to chew on.  I’m especially interested in her view of pirates as performers, especially her initial view of Flint as the puppet master of this theater/illusion.

    “My father told me about these men, about their natures, so I know that any appearance of civility from them is but a glimpse of the men they once were.  A ghost that shows itself only while the darker things that now govern their souls lays dormant.  Though I’m forced to wonder if this illusion is no accident at all, but theater for my benefit, orchestrated by someone so awful, even monsters such as these have no choice but to dance to the tune he plays for them.  Which leads me to the one thought I find most frightening and most difficult to dismiss.  What happens if that man decides the theater no longer serves his purposes and lets the monsters loose?”

    It is ironic that while Abigail fears these are monsters masquerading as good men, Flint is talking with Miranda, worried that him being a good man masquerading as a monster will be his undoing.

    The truth is more complicated than that, which Flint’s conversations with Miranda bear out.  James is a good man, and he has done monstrous things.  Miranda is the woman she always was, and she encouraged the murderous impulses of her friend to arrange the murder of two people.  Billy is cute, sympathetic, and righteous, and we learn that he’s a murderer.  The very thing that convinces Abigail that these are normal men (the death of their brother) was actually murder.

    This is my favorite thing about this show – the unwavering assertion that humans are simultaneously good andmonstrous.  We are all sinners and saints.  We are good and we are ruthless, we create illusions of ourselves, we play up one side of ourself in a certain situation and another side at a different time.  Certain people bring out certain aspects of ourselves that we might never have expected.  We are complex creatures, and like Abigail, Black Sails encourages us to see beyond a black and white view of humanity.

    FRAGMENTED THOUGHTS

    • It’s honestly amazing that Abigail’s opinion of pirates changes at all, considering the stories she was raised on and the fact that her first experience of pirates was of Ned Lowe.  Her willingness to be open-minded and challenge her assumptions is so praiseworthy.
    • I love that Flint is proud of Abigail for enduring what she’s gone through.  One of his best qualities is his ability to see the strength of the women around him.
    • On the other hand, Jack is really rather sexist in this episode.  He’s worried for Vane and blaming it on Eleanor, he’s mad about the situation with Anne, but I don’t care.  I don’t like the two comments he makes.  You’re better than this, Jack!

    “For so many years, I knew her.  Perhaps the only one who truly knew her. But for weeks, with everything we’ve been through, everything she’s done, she’s a fucking mystery to me.  So now I realize two things are possible: one, something has changed within her, something so significant that she’s turned into someone I barely recognize.  Or two, it was a fantasy that I ever knew her at all.”

    • I like the show’s acknowledgment that when one person (Anne) goes through an identity crisis, everyone around them must readjust to the new person before them.
    • Miss Mapleton is spying on Max for Eleanor!  It’s interesting that she supports the plan to make Nassau reputable.  I think of that as the Good Guy plan, and Miss Mapleton as a Bad Guy.  But of course this show is more complicated than that!
    • Silver is making up stories about his past – “five years ago I worked on a merchant ship” – but Billy and Mr. Scott acknowledge that the power lies in the telling of the story, not in the truth of the story.  THAT’S going to continue to be relevant.
    • Silver is pissed to be working with incompetents, and he sounds legitimately scary when confronting Nicholas.  I’m not surprised Vincent thought it within the realm of possibility that Silver would want him to kill his brother.
    • Billy and Abigail make eyes at each other, and I’m pretty sure this is the only time we get any kind of hint as to Billy’s sexuality (though let’s be honest, while her looks were Interested, he mostly seemed confused).
    • It’s heartbreaking to watch Flint realize that he spent the last decade preparing for a battle, not diplomacy.  He’s worried that he became Flint for nothing, that the furious pirate captain he became to save Nassau will now be an impediment to his goals.  The doubt and potential guilt he must feel, retracing every decision he made over the past TEN YEARS is overwhelming.  Especially when on top of his fear of Peter Ashes’s judgment is the fact that he judges himself for some of his actions.

    Flint:  Something else lies at the end of this road: judgment.  Not of Nassau, but of me and the man that I’ve become.  This entire endeavor hangs in the balance of that judgment.
    Miranda:  You can defend that man.  There are good arguments in defense of him.
    Flint:  For some of his deeds, perhaps for most of them.  But there are some things that Captain Flint has done that cannot be defended.

    • Good show writing, that just as Flint is confronting the reality of his persona and the actions he does to protect it, Silver finds himself in a similar position (while wearing black, uh oh).
    • Eleanor is anti-Urca gold if Max is in position of it.  I’m not sure what the difference is between this vs. Flint’s crew bringing it in?  It was already established that forming a Pirate Bank was going to be a tough sell if possible at all.

    “I have done what I’ve done and I will live with it.  But do not for a moment believe that that defines me.”

    • Eleanor’s quote above strikes me as a much more mature variation of Silver’s season 1 advice (to her!) that “Guilt is natural.  It also goes away if you let it.”
    • The Maria Aleyne mystery is solved!  WOW, do I love Miranda insisting that she is just as guilty, if not more, of the murder of Alfred Hamilton and his wife.  “If you’re going to face judgment behind those walls, then so should I.”  They are both so brave, owning up to their past actions and willing to face whatever consequences might result.  And I get that this is, like, catering to the lowest standard, but I really admire Flint for letting Miranda join him and carry her own responsibility alongside him.  None of this “I’ll save you even if you don’t want me to” nonsense.

    “He made these people unafraid.  Everyone realized, the moment you stop fearing it, it loses all it’s power.”

    • Whoops, Colonel Rhett, I think you put an idea in Flint’s mind!
    • When Flint is getting beat, he doesn’t fight back (“what happens if they shoot at us?” “duck”).  Abigail lies, saying she remembers James in order to protect him. That girl!  I like her so much!
    • The fact that Peter admits Flint and Miranda into his house after the shock of realizing that Flint is James shows that someone who knows James’s backstory would go, “Okay, that’s reasonable” about his actions as a pirate captain.
    • Vane killed Daddy Guthrie.  Not just killed, but crucified.  Ugh, Vane, there are better ways to deal with your heartbreak.  And really, Vane’s note about being free and keeping Nassau free?  Why would Eleanor’s betrayal suddenly inspire him to care about the bigger picture?
    • Upon further thought, maybe Vane killed Eleanor’s dad knowing that she would never forgive him for it.  Maybe he knew his weakness for her, and this was the only way he could think to stop their cycle of returning to each other and hurting each other.  But still, CRUCIFIXION IS TOO FAR.
    • But props to him for saying in his note, “I don’t know you too well” about Eleanor.  Fucking finally.
    • Although his ship is in Nassau’s harbor, Vane and his men are hiding in the reeds of Charles Town because…teleportation?  Oh well, let’s find out what they do there in the next episode!

    Not done reliving the episode?  Listen to Daphne and Liz’s podcast at Fathoms Deep!

  • We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib

    We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib

    How do you find yourself when the world tells you that you don’t exist?

    Samra Habib has spent most of her life searching for the safety to be herself. As an Ahmadi Muslim growing up in Pakistan, she faced regular threats from Islamic extremists who believed the small, dynamic sect to be blasphemous. From her parents, she internalized the lesson that revealing her identity could put her in grave danger.

    When her family came to Canada as refugees, Samra encountered a whole new host of challenges: bullies, racism, the threat of poverty, and an arranged marriage. Backed into a corner, her need for a safe space–in which to grow and nurture her creative, feminist spirit–became dire. The men in her life wanted to police her, the women in her life had only shown her the example of pious obedience, and her body was a problem to be solved.

    So begins an exploration of faith, art, love, and queer sexuality, a journey that takes her to the far reaches of the globe to uncover a truth that was within her all along. A triumphant memoir of forgiveness and family, both chosen and not, We Have Always Been Here is a rallying cry for anyone who has ever felt out of place and a testament to the power of fearlessly inhabiting one’s truest self.

    Goodreads

    An excellent memoir about the intersectionality of being Muslim and queer, written with honesty and directness. Habib’s story is one of restriction to freedom, including the freedom to return to the religion that imposed the original restrictions. After growing up in Pakistan, Habib and her family fled to Canada to escape religious persecution. She was married twice by the time she was 20, first in an arranged marriage to her cousin, and second to a friend who agreed to marry her primarily to provide her social security. As an adult, she began to accept her queerness, dating women, trans women, and gender non-binary folx. Having come to terms with her queer identity, she returned to Islam. She came out to her parents, who were also changed by their time in Canada, and discovered a mosque for LGBTQ+ Muslims. She developed a passion for sharing photographs of queer Muslims, giving a face to a population few realize exist.

    I think Habib is a remarkable woman, and I enjoyed this short memoir very much. However, it does suffer slightly from a common memoir issue: The stories of her childhood are fluid and concise. The nearer she gets to her current age, the more details are included, sometimes unnecessarily.

    The section that resonated with me most deeply was Habib’s description of traveling when she was newly out. She talks about the freedom of self-expression while traveling, of trying out a new identity in a place where no one knows the older versions of you. I have experienced that many times myself, and she expressed the joy and relief very well.

    I have to admit that before reading this book, I was one of those people who didn’t know much about queer Muslims. I knew that it was statistically likely that just as many people were queer in Muslim countries as in others, but I couldn’t point to any stories or people that I knew. I would love for Habib to write a book highlighting all of the queer Muslim folx that she interviewed – it would be hugely beneficial to me, and I assume to many others as well.

    Rating: 4 out of 5.

    Check out our Queer Lil Library for more book recommendations and reviews!

  • Final Fantasy 8 – From Fisherman’s Horizon to the Battle of the Gardens

    Final Fantasy 8 – From Fisherman’s Horizon to the Battle of the Gardens

    Read the earlier sections of my FF8 replay:
    From Balamb to Timber
    From Galbadia to the Assassination
    From Prison to a Floating Garden

    Fisherman’s Horizon

    Rinoa is good for Squall, getting him out of his head and going for a walk around Garden. He’s good for her too, with his tendency to think things through rather than act impulsively. Video game romances rarely read as relatable to me, but Squall and Rinoa totally do! I love them.

    • The mayor of Fisherman’s Horizon lives in the middle of a giant solar panel? …Okay. If that weren’t bad enough, he’s made out to look ridiculous for wanting to talk to the Galbadian soldiers who have appeared looking for Ellone. Squall gives him a bit of credit, saying it would be great if fighting weren’t necessary, but this is a game about mercenary children. It was never going to be pacifist.
    • Zell, Selphie, and Irvine pop out of the machine that was just trying to kill Squall, Rinoa, and Quistis (from my group alignment, anyway), which is strange! Were they pranking us?? Why does no one ask why they attacked?
    • Squall is internally happy to see them, and Rinoa calls him on it. It is great!

    Squall is then named leader of the mobile sorceress-hunting Garden without his consent. A student was given control over a war school over all of the teachers. There is a lot happening right now that requires significant suspension of disbelief! However, I’ll give it a pass, because being thrust into leadership triggers all of Squall’s fears. He doesn’t want to be responsible for everyone in case he cannot protect them. He’s just a big squishy marshmallow, and I adore this game for revealing that their taciturn loner is not actually cool – he’s just scared.

    • The amateur band performance is such a fun mini-game.
    • Lesbian Irvine (this is now canon in my mind) is very invested in setting up Squall and Rinoa, and it’s so cute! Something else that is cute is Rinoa telling Squall that his friends know he’s going to take on this responsibility by himself, but that he has to remember that they are here with him.
    • It’s a new era with a mobile Garden that allows playing in a bigger world map! Xu suggests they check out Balamb, where the Galbadia Garden is…also floating. Copy cats.

    Balamb

    • Finding “the captain” is such a runaround, and I spent way too much time figuring it out. Thank goodness it turns out to be Raijin (with general Fujin)! We have to fight them again, and they are hard! Squall further reveals his inner softie by letting them go when they say they’re going to stay with Seifer because he’s their friend.
    • Selphie then brings up a storyline that feels ages ago…remember those other bombs that Galbadia set off? The ones that hit Trabia Garden? She wants to go there.

    Trabia Garden

    • Many of the students are still alive, trying to restart their lives in the crater of a school that’s left. The trauma is understated, but hit me hardest when I found the graveyard, and one of the tombstones had a jacket draped over it.
    • When Rinoa says she wishes there were a way to end this without bloodshed, Squall goes deep into inner monologue. She continues to win my heart by telling him, “If you don’t voice your feelings, I can’t understand.”

    Orphanage reveal! When I was a kid playing this game, I thought this reveal was SO COOL. They all grew up together! But forgot because their connection to Guardian Forces eats away at their memories! Whoa!

    As an adult, I cannot help fixating on how weird this is. Why would Irvine not say something before this, even accidentally? Quistis says her love for Squall was about being his big sister, which….okay. When they realize the GFs are affecting their minds, they SUPER QUICKLY agree to keep it up. Guys! You might someday forget this very conversation! This is not sustainable! And Sorceress Edea is Matron, aka their mom, but they’re soldiers so they’ll still kill her. (This revelation makes Irvine’s inability to shoot her in Galbadia make so much more sense!)

    Shumi Village

    • Also on the Northern continent, this little village is super cool. I love the weirdness of going down an elevator to a lush forest landscape with advanced technology.
    • There is a draw point that costs 5,000 Gil to use, but it’s Ultima so okay!
    • There is a statue of Laguna, and we learn that moombas (aka fire dogs) are the final form of Shumis, which is just so weird and delightful.
    • Continuing the weird theme is the scavenger hunt for stones that winds up in a prize of…seeing the elders hands! Wah wah.

    Galbadian Garden

    • It’s too easy to just find the orphanage and get some answers…instead we have to fight Galbadia, flying garden against flying garden! It actually is super cool, with some great cutscenes of flying ramp motorcycles and attacking soldiers as Seifer watches with a grin.
    • Zell decides the middle of a battle is the right time to ask for Squall’s ring, and then everyone is SO WEIRD about Squall prioritizing the safety of an entire school over Rinoa. “You’re the one that has to save her.” Um, why!? He’s kinda busy, and it’s his literal job to take care of everyone; a role that you guys all JUST SAID you would help him accomplish.
    • I just realized that Squall has a cropped leather jacket.
    • Squall DOES rescue Rinoa, though, and the mini-game of punching a soldier while floating over a battlefield was pretty cool! They then flirt over lions, and this relationship is heating up, omg omg! Squall says it’s so obvious that everyone wants them together that even he noticed.
    • We have to run, run, run all over the garden to get keys that lead us to our final Raijin and Fujin interaction. They’re done with Seifer and all the chaos he has caused.
    • Seifer continues to be very gay (no wonder I shipped Squall/Seifer as a wee one) and demands that Squall kneel before him.

    The final battle with Sorceress Edea is pretty easy, but that’s because it isn’t the final showdown like everyone thought! Instead, she regains her sanity and Rinoa gets woozy. She heals Seifer before passing out, which is very alarming! Edea asks if she succeeded in saving Ellone, which is very strange! Everything is topsy turvy, and unfortunately, it seems like “sorceress” is a possessing spirit who is now in Rinoa. Dun dun dun!!

  • Basically Queer edited by Claire Robson, Kelsey Blair, and Jen Marchbank

    Basically Queer edited by Claire Robson, Kelsey Blair, and Jen Marchbank

    Basically Queer offers an introduction to what it can look and feel like to live life as lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, two spirited and trans. Written by youth and elders who’ve lived these lives first hand, the book combines no-nonsense explanations, definitions, and information with engaging stories and poetry that bring them to life. Basically Queer answers those questions that many want to ask but fear will give offence: What is it really like to be queer? What’s appropriate language? How can I be an ally? It also provides a succinct and readable account of queer history and legal rights worldwide, addresses intergenerational issues, and offers some tips and tricks for living queer. It does so in an easy and conversational style that will be accessible to most readers, including teens. The text will be of interest to those teaching courses in gender, sexuality, queer and women’s studies. It will be a useful resource for those who are questioning or examining their sexual or gender identities and those who are in relationship with them, such as doctors, teachers, parents, or friends.

    Goodreads

    This local book was recommended in Olga and Natasha’s interview, so of course I had to check it out! This series of essays is a collaboration between Quirk-e (Queer Imaging & Riting Kollective for Elders) and YfAC (Youth for A Change), two activist groups in the Vancouver area. Although the group of youth have some excellent poems, I have to say the essays that won me over were almost entirely from the elders.

    Anyone who wants to learn more about queer history from multiple individual’s perspectives would enjoy this book, but it’s especially meaningful for those of us who live in Vancouver. There’s something very special about seeing how different neighborhoods have evolved in their attitudes toward LGBTQIA2S+ communities (and sometimes, how they have not). And the overarching conceit – of queer elders offering wisdom and queer youth offering new insights – is an intergenerational joy. A lovely anthology.

    Rating: 4 out of 5.

    Check out our Queer Lil Library for more book recommendations and reviews!

  • Black Sails Season 2 Episode 7 Review – XV

    Black Sails Season 2 Episode 7 Review – XV

    Max cleans up after a massacre.  News from the outside world changes everything for Flint and Silver.  Eleanor risks her life for the sake of her future.  Bonny faces a crossroads.  Dufresne pushes Billy to act.

    (Summary provided by starz.com

    BEST FLINT MOMENT

    This episode isn’t really about Flint, and I almost despaired of finding a Best Flint Moment.  But then Abigail arrives in the tavern, and FLINT’S FACE as he sees her, sees his past, sees his future.  He takes off his sword and tells her not to be frightened in the gentlest voice we’ve heard from him (since London flashbacks).

    Abigail:  You’re Captain Flint?
    Flint:  My name is James.  James McGraw.

    Reader, I actually gasped and tears sprang to my eyes.  Oh, JAMES.

    TODAY’S RUNNER UP

    This is SUCH a good episode for Eleanor and Billy and Max, but I have to give the award to Anne!  We get her backstory this episode, and wow is it painful.

    “I was married to a man once.  Rotten fuck raised his hands at me, burned me, shared me with his men.  I didn’t know any different, didn’t know I could do anything about it.  Even if I had, I wouldn’t have thought I had it in me.  One day, we were in a tavern.  He was hurting me, and a man saw it.  He walked over and he slit his throat.  That was Jack.  I was thirteen.  I always thought he saved me from something, always been so fucking grateful.

    Now I wonder maybe Jack took me from something that I was supposed to figure my own way out of.  Maybe he took away the chance to get strong enough to save myself, to grow up.  Instead I went with him, did what he did, did what the others did.  Thought I’d become one of them.  If I’m not what I was when I was born, and I ain’t what I’ve become instead, what the fuck am I?”

    Oh, ANNE.  She’s going through a serious identity crisis after Jack’s betrayal.  It’s telling and heartbreaking that she doesn’t ask “who the fuck am I?” but “what the fuck am I?”

    After Jack saved her from her abusive husband, she remade herself in his image.  That has fallen apart, so now she tries to remake herself in Max’s image in an ill-fitting dress with a paid customer.  When that too falls apart, Anne collapses outside, where Max finds and hugs her.

    Who is Anne?  By episode’s end, Max has offered her new purpose as “a partner with knowledge of the sea” in Max’s expanding ambitions.  Sounds like a person somewhere in between Jack and Max…which could just be Anne.

    LOL MOMENT

    It’s not really hilarious, but I did think it amusing that after Flint viciously insults Silver, he’s surprised that Silver doesn’t want to stay and brainstorm together.

    Silver:  Oh please, don’t try to convince me to do it for the sake of their futures.
    Flint:  For the sake of your own.  Those men listen to you.  They give a shit about what you have to say.  What you think, what you want them to think.  Where else in the world is that true?  Where else would you wake up in the morning and matter? … Don’t you want to discuss how you’ll approach them?
    Silver:  I know what I’m doing.

    Okay, it’s not really that funny.  But that IS AN EXCELLENT QUOTE that deserves it’s own space.

    FRAGMENTED THOUGHTS

    Eleanor:  Things have changed.  Things are changing as we speak tonight.

    • LOL, this is a great description of EVERY EPISODE, Eleanor.
    • When Eleanor says Flint is a “good man” I felt a serious callback to James defending Thomas.  They are such good partners to each other (which is only further demonstrated as the episode goes on)!
    • Speaking of partners, Billy and Flint are very partner-y this episode, and I love it!  I liked their mundane conversations about crew votes and potential quartermasters.  I liked their tense conversations about whether or not Flint tried to save Billy or tried to kill him.  Although not as powerful a partnership as Flint/Silver, MAN, could they be effective if they were on the same side more often.
    • True love is saving your murderess lover’s hat from the flames because you know it makes her feel safe!  (Continuing from last episode, I am really feeling the Max/Anne love now.)
    • Max is such a good leader, defending Anne but making sure the girls in the brothel feel safe and understood.
    • The gold is gone, so support for Hornigold is gone!  Silver is pissed at Flint, accusing him of making it disappear. Silver is ready to leave him, but later we learn that it’s all a lie orchestrated by Silver.  Which makes me think – is he helping Flint while helping himself?  Is that intentional on his part or I am reading too much into their relationship at this point?
    • Love that Flint dismisses his quartermaster (Dufresne) to talk to Silver.  Shows how much he’s already relying on him!
    • Silver is pissed that Flint knows him so deeply, knows his need for importance and relevance.  I love that despite this frustration, he goes and does exactly what Flint asks of him – speaks to the men brilliantly and convincingly.  Silver is a phenomenal orator, and this is maybe one of his best speeches in the whole show.

    “I was going to walk away from all you people and never look back.  I mean it.  That money was license for me to leave all of this and all of you behind, and any of you who says he didn’t at least consider doing the same is a lying sack of shit.  Truth is, there’s only one kind of person who’d want to do what we do if there was an easier way to survive.  And because I don’t believe there is a rotten, murdering fuck amongst you, I don’t imagine I’m alone in having taken some comfort in the idea of all of this coming to an end.

    But now no gold.  We’re back to the same two choices we’ve known our entire lives: toil for another man’s benefit or steal for our own.  Unless Captain Flint just showed us a third way.  Reconciliation.  Pardons.  And not because we need to apologize for what we’ve done.  Not because we’ve got any desire to go back to where we came from, but because maybe with a little help this place could be the reason we never have to do either again.”

    • The reality of the brothel in Nassau is something that I just kind of choke down and accept, so I am really surprised that I genuinely LIKE Jacob and his “wooing” of Anne.  It makes me think a little further that…perhaps the only way men like Jacob can meet women and have actual relationships is via the brothel.  Are there eligible women elsewhere?  I assume inland ladies are in a class above and therefore not available.  After all, Logan was in love with Charlotte (whether she reciprocated is debatable).
    • The MUSIC while Anne is with Jacob is so good, so haunting!  The music is also so good when Silver is telling Max about the gold.  AHH!

    Abigail: [My father] left me behind.  He said Charles Town was far too coarse and violent a place to bring a child into.  But you seem a formidable woman, ma’am.  Perhaps it was exposure to the challenges of this place that made you the person you are.
    Eleanor:  I suppose that’s one way to look at it.

    • Growing up in Nassau made Eleanor into a strong businesswoman, but it also made her into a woman who can betray the people she loves.
    • As evidenced by past reviews, I’ve fallen pretty firmly into the “Eleanor and Vane are not good for each other (although they do have spectacular sex)” camp, but the scene at the gate is genuinely heartbreaking.  Vane thinks he has given and given to her without receiving anything from her, and Eleanor doesn’t believe that the things he does for her are actually for HER.  They fundamentally misunderstand each other, and this betrayal is the last straw.
    • Billy is so good in this episode, playing Dufresne and revealing corruptible crew members to the rest of the Walrus men.

    Billy:  Have you ever been tortured?  Suffered pain applied by men who saw you as less than a man?  Saw you as an animal?  Cause it isn’t the pain they’re inflicting that’s the most frightening part of it.  It isn’t the fear of future pain.  It’s the knowledge that even when the pain stops, even if they were to let you go, that they’ve changed you.  That pain, that fear, that despair has made you someone else, someone you barely recognize, against your will.

    I said what I had to say to get out of that place, but I have no intention of honoring their offer.  I would fight to the death to ensure not a single one of my brothers ever has to face what I faced.

    • How has Billy fundamentally changed?  I think this speech makes more sense in light of his season 4 experience, but he’s saying he’s changed now.  How?  Because now he will side with a man he despises and distrusts for the greater good?  I dunno, I still see him as fundamentally loyal.  What am I missing?
    • Sometimes all you need is the hug of a parental figure, whether that’s Abigail with Miranda or Eleanor with Daddy Guthrie.
    • I love that they leave what happened between Billy and Flint ambiguous.  What we believe (did Flint try to save him? try to kill him?) says a lot about us as viewers and how we read people.  It is, in fact, a hint of the same theme we’ll get in the series finale!
    • Every time I see Eme, I’m so happy that she’s found paid work!
    • Dufresne and Hornigold team up and I’m bored about it.
    • Eleanor and Flint team up and I LOVE IT.  It’s so satisfying to see them rest together for a moment, happy in the fact that “If you and I aren’t careful, we might actually see this thing through.”  I love that Eleanor shares her fears about Vane’s safety with Flint, and that he doesn’t condescend to her by offering her false hope.
    • These two are so similar, willing to sacrifice any relationship for the sake of The Mission.
    • We end with the big reveal that Silver is a lying liar who lies.  He just wants his gold, and MAX’S FACE as she learns about it.  She’s trying so hard to contain her excitement, but I’m so excited for her!  But we know what happens when people go up against Flint, so…how will this play out for them??

    Not done reliving the episode?  Listen to Daphne and Liz’s podcast at Fathoms Deep!

  • Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

    Carry On by Rainbow Rowell

    Simon Snow is the worst Chosen One who’s ever been chosen.

    That’s what his roommate, Baz, says. And Baz might be evil and a vampire and a complete git, but he’s probably right.

    Half the time, Simon can’t even make his wand work, and the other half, he starts something on fire. His mentor’s avoiding him, his girlfriend broke up with him, and there’s a magic-eating monster running around, wearing Simon’s face. Baz would be having a field day with all this, if he were here — it’s their last year at the Watford School of Magicks, and Simon’s infuriating nemesis didn’t even bother to show up.

    Carry On – The Rise and Fall of Simon Snow is a ghost story, a love story and a mystery. It has just as much kissing and talking as you’d expect from a Rainbow Rowell story – but far, far more monsters.

    Goodreads

    I’ve JUST finished the book, like two seconds ago, and I LOVED IT.  I expected to like it, an a sort of ironic “Isn’t this odd, reading a pseudo Harry Potter fanfiction that was excerpted in Rowell’s Fangirl?” And for a while, I was mostly interested in assigning every character to their HP equivalent, but that quickly turned into genuine investment.

    I LOVE Simon!  I love Baz!  I love Penelope!  I even love Agatha, although for a while she was a useless wet blanket (but then she acknowledges her role as a useless wet blanket, only meant to further someone else’s story, and when she said “peace out!” I adored her for it).  I love the magical world in Carry On, how they have phones and computers and are simply just like Normals, but with magic.  That makes more sense to me than Harry Potter’s culturally-backwards wizarding world.  But!  I’m not comparing!  (Okay, it’s impossible not to compare.)  

    I loved the crackling dialogue, and I laughed out loud SO OFTEN at Simon and Baz’s repartee, like when arguing about the benefits and challenges of being a vampire:

    Simon lowers his eyebrows.  “When you look at it that way, why doesn’t everyone cross over?”
    “Because it’s death,” I say.
    “It clearly isn’t.”
    “They say your soul dies.”
    “That’s tosh,” he says.
    “How would you know, Snow?”
    “Observation.”
    “Observation,” I say.  “You can’t observe a soul.”
    “You can over time,” he says.  “I think I’d know–”
    “It’s death,” I say, “because you need to eat life to stay alive.”
    “That’s everyone,” he says.  “That’s eating.”

    Those crazy kids.  But seriously, there’s nothing I love more than a romance built on hatred!  Or, in this case, mutual obsession that turns into need that turns into trust that turns into a love based on their mutual brokenness. And Penelope!  She and Simon are such great friends, and I loved how Rowell had her and Baz become friends too.  They all felt like real characters with interlocking lives and independent motivations.  Very impressive for, as I mentioned earlier, a pseudo-Harry Potter fanfiction that was excerpted in Rowell’s Fangirl.

    Originally posted on my other blog, www.itistrish.com.

    Check out our Queer Lil Library for more book recommendations and reviews!

  • Adventure Queers: Meet Allonté Barakat!

    Adventure Queers: Meet Allonté Barakat!

    Allonté Barakat (he/they) is a burgeoning content creator, GM/DM, player, and voice actor. When they grow up they hope to meld the power of gaming with the healing of therapy. Best known as Kryst Z’Grande, he evolved his talents in pursuits of elevating more voices. Be sure to look out at their social media for a new upcoming podcast and audio drama!

    @ThatBearKat across all social media platforms.

    Allonté, we first got to know you when you played in Rachel’s D&D session for Andrea’s Adventurers Charity RPG Livestream.  You were enthusiastic, smart, and your character had a mechanical cat – obviously we liked you! 

    I liked you too! Also, I had fun with the party! I feel like I lucked out with your DM/GM style. Early on I remember you saying, “The collaborative aspect is my favorite part, if as the GM I haven’t spoken in 20 mins because my players are planning a talent show to boost the morale of their pirate crew, I am happy!” This is such a beautiful and refreshing sentiment, you gave us the freedom to be weird. If one is not weird, they might be boring, at least that’s my personal philosophy. So much platinum coins to you and/or maybe some churu for the kitten!

    https://clips.twitch.tv/SwissManlyLionArsonNoSexy-ggHtGkhelAEc572o?fbclid=IwAR37BocBkIkv1-V0zLiJY5vRfookwE_stJWhjE-7SRxOQgtBP5waj5ij23Y

    When did you first play Dungeons and Dragons?  What was the experience like?

    I played Dungeons and Dragons in the late 3.5 era… for a class! I dreamed of being a game designer and in the pursuit of an Interactive Media and Game Design degree, I found myself in a fun storytelling class. Until then, I didn’t know what it was or what it could be. The experience as a whole was interesting. I honestly can’t say I enjoyed it until a story moment just seemed to align like a constellation of badassary! Through an obscuring fog, facing imminent death from a plague rat in the musty murky sewers, a single, last-ditch spinning keen-edge of a dagger seemed to part this occlusion sea. This desperate edge pierced the skull of the mammoth plague beast and one-hit-K.O.’d it, saving our party (and our session). I walked away from that experience changed, knowing that a TTRPG has the power to evoke emotions in an ever-lasting way.

    I went on to try to reclaim and recreate this experience but I have often gone up against huge gate-keeping walls. So many people like to tell others the “correct way to play” or hold on too strong to strict ideals that somehow a world where literally and figuratively anything could happen has to be a carbon copy of the real one with all its woes. No thanks. So I took a long break until about 2-3 years ago where I performed, or live-played, a character in 5e for an audience!

    What is your favorite part of playing D&D?

    I don’t know if I can just pick one thing! There is something so attractive about embodying, exploring, and experiencing a world that is (hopefully) so much better than our real one. I am gay. I am a person of color. This world is not, shall we say, often kind. Being in these worlds gives me hope. In that hope, I have seen the loving power to change people, to slay demons within and without, and have some fun! From all these experiences I want to see us bring these ideals back to the real world.

    In a slightly less existential way, I would have to say I love pushing the boundaries of what things could happen, using my character and abilities in ways that are unexpected. As some would put more succinctly, the rule of cool. Say we were on a boat. The night is a heavy backdrop of deep night, with a single pale light source in the sky. Fog rolls in from all sides making it neigh impossible to decipher East from North from South-West. Why can’t I, as a Sorcerer, use Absorb Elements in a ritualistic dance to bring that fog into me as my compatriots light the way forward and steer? Or perhaps we should do a one-on-one duel, against a mighty wizard. My back against the wall, the arena engulf in flames, and I am inches away from death. I steal their prized tome, with a lifetime of lifeworks inside, and threaten to burn it unless they surrender. Are these ways of existing and playing bad D&D? I for sure don’t think so! (P.S. I’ve done all those things in previous games!)

    Have you experienced any differences playing D&D with queer folx vs. predominantly straight groups? 

    I. Need. To. Play. With. More. Queer. Beings! It is a massive difference. So many straight groups come with this baggage-notion that there is one path, one right way to play, and/or one way to be. There may also be the dreaded, I’m going to play as [insert marginalized group or proxy] without understanding the depths or doing the work. Don’t even get me started on the dangerous implicit biases we have all seen or experienced firsthand. This is not why we play!

    There may be that living and fighting for a life that is different from the majority of others gives us marginalized individuals an emotional superpower. I have had more fun, connected with, been accepted by, and every other positive and loving attribute possible by other queer gaymers! Queer people bring the love and space for you to be you at whatever stage of being you are at and willing to pull you towards the light. We are guardians of the ideal world. I love that prejudice has no place in our spaces, or at least not without proper talking beforehand and aftercare.

    What makes a nerdy space feel safe to you as a queer person?  Are there any (positive or negative) signals that you look for?

    A quick visual cue for me is, how homogenous does space looks from the outside? Are there wonderfully out loud queer folk? Are there people of color? Are there women? If none of these exist, you should probably run away screaming. Well, use your best judgment. I have, a countless many times, had to be a pioneer of various spaces so that others can feel comfortable.  I also say for joining a new group, or even looking at various content, look at the legacy. If women, people of color, or queer people are being cycled through or do not wish to come back to the game, while other more “palatable” people remain, there are core issues there that do not deserve your awesomeness.  

    So this is the part where I have to confess to you, that when I joined the charity stream, you were my absolute first choice in being my GM/DM! I distinctly remember making an audible sigh of relief when I got in your game, I naively knew, well hoped, that the wall of “this is what this is” didn’t exist. That let me be free to be the Fyrrin Brande possible in our game. By the way, my question to you is one unanswered in game, what does transmutation magic taste like? 

    It’s like eating a handful of every flavor beans – you don’t know what you’re going to get, and it changes as you eat them!

    That being said, the positive signals are always openness, understanding, and making good decisions that keep our human need for connection strong. If people are making non-selfish choices, are being inclusive, and can recognize your human needs, then set some gaming roots!

    You were a part of a live-play podcast. How did you become involved in that project?  What were the highlights and lowlights?

    I was, indeed. Truth be told, it was a bit out of the left field. A friend of mine I played card games with suggested I try out for this project that started from nothing. I never thought of myself as charismatic or anything but I figured why not try. I didn’t think I’d end up being first-choice casting. In my tenure as the Crystalline Sorcerer + Creation Bard, Kryst Z’Grande, I set out to tell a story that means something, so that even if the project failed, I did something that maybe someone out there could connect to and not feel alone. From the onset, I wanted to tell a story about trauma, that you, the listener, can know in the back of your mind that no matter what was done to you, you can and will overcome. It was also important to play a queer person of color because our stories don’t get told. We do not get to be heroes, just sacrifices. I also confess I played an idealized self. I think in some way everyone does that, they bring a lot of themselves into whatever they play.

    My highlight is experiencing the power this story had. There were so many beautiful messages from many beautiful souls about being inspired, heard, seen, that I got to help people through tough times being someone they could reach out to. In that, I think there exists my lowlight, that even throughout all the good, through what was a great character performance (I hope), in my opinion, reality became just another sad tale-reflection of issues marginalized people face to this day.

    Do you have any tips or advice for people who want to try playing D&D? Any tools that you recommend?

    Dive. Right. In! There is no true right or wrong way to play! If you are new, grab your friends and do a one-shot amongst yourselves. You can also hire an understanding GM to run a game for you if that seems daunting. Be willing to have conversations before and after the game, not just about expectation but about actions that happen in game. Give kiddos the rule of cool or have a conversation about why a choice was harmful to others. A party of adventurers in a TTRPG is most often a reflection of the real-life relationship connections at the table, so if you want a strong party, build strong friendships.

    For the more experienced folk, go out and play more games, more TTRPG, more everything! D&D is great but by no means perfect. Remember this is a world where literally anything can happen, so make it happen. Dust off those mechanics where you can, for example, fail a roll but with some advantage!  There are some great tools out there like DnDBeyond to make characters, monsters, NPCs, and see other homebrews. Foundry or Roll20 for playing the game with, quite literally, all the bells and whistles. Check out r/dndmaps, Inkarnate, Watabou, to find or make maps. MyNoise.net to play around with ambient music/noise to get the room feeling like your scene or setting. 2MinuteTabletop is also great for tokens. 

    So to all you wonderful, beautiful, creative souls, get out there and get gaming!

    Thank you, Allonté! And thank you for leaving us a picture of you with your oldest kitten, Sir Winston. If you want more of Allonté, check out their linktree.

    A

    If you are a queer person who plays or DMs/GMs Dungeons and Dragons and you would like to be interviewed, please send me a message at roarcatreads@gmail.com.