A tie. Well not really, Team Sorto was deemed to be the greatest courtesy of the massive hoard of points on their bench. But glancing at the scores, 126.32 – 126.32 is quite an accomplishment. Luckily we don’t have to wait long for these teams to play again.
the replacements vs Purple Moose
Amy managed to right the ship this week, putting up 141 points to beat the Purple Moose and secure their playoff spot.
Beards vs Fire Pandas
For a long time this weekend it looked like the Beards were ready to be ignited. Instead, the Panda’s soft glow highlighted the the manicured facial landscape that was the Beards’ week 14 performance.
Real Slim Brady vs Eurasian Collared Doves
Krista had two of her key players return to form and lead Real Slim Brady to victory with Kamara and Chase turning it on just in time for the playoffs. I doubt John noticed that his team lost last week as he was busy welcoming the newest member of his family to the world. Baby Mermista…sorry, Mallory, you have joined us just in time for playoffs! Will your first word be (an incredibly early) coo?
Bad News Bears vs Battling Finger Puppets
It really looked for a while like Kupp and Connor might pull off an unlikely win for Carrie. Unfortunately, the rest of the team just left too much work to be done, and Jonathan was victorious once again. The chart lied, but are we really surprised?
Final Regular Season Standings
Dear Falkowski, this blog has made a lot of fun of you and wished for your demise on an almost weekly basis, but I would like to take this opportunity to say congratulations on finishing first in the regular season! Your masterfully drafted and crafted team tore through the competition like a bear through a fly sheet. Your two losses pale in comparison to your mighty hoard of twelve wins. I would like to award you with…oh wait, we’re in North America, there is no trophy for the arguably harder task of finishing first in the regular season, it’s all about the playoffs here! But still, good job!
Preview of This Week’s Games
Seacows vs Team Sorto
One of them will win, one of them will lose, they will perhaps draw again. The battle for number one (pick) begins.
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Bad News Bears
Russell Wilson is back in at QB for the Doves and many of their players have been trending up. The Doves will need to be firing on both wings to bring down the Bad News Bears and keep the playoff dream alive.
Purple Moose vs Fire Pandas
These two teams are tied at one win each in their regular season matchups. Memorably the Fire Pandas broke the Moose’s win streak in week 4 and most recently in week 12 the Moose got their revenge. This meeting will break the tie and decide who will progress to round 2.
Beards vs Real Slim Brady
Another team that is tied in regular season matchups, the Beards won the last meeting in a landslide, but the projection favors Real Slim Brady.
Replacements vs Finger Puppets
The replacements strategy should now be to score all the points all the time and they will need to – the Battling Finger Puppets are projected to score 130 points and are the favorite in this match up.
Since Week 12’s recap was cancelled due to final exams, Rachel has generously summarized each matchup with a single word:
One Word Week 12 Matchups
The replacements vs Seacows: Seacows!
Battling Finger Puppets vs Real Slim Brady: Felted-Finger-Puppets-of-War! (& Top Score)
Beards ‘R Us vs Bad News Bears: Excessive!
Team Sorto vs Eurasian Collared Doves: Coooo!
Purple Moose vs Fire Pandas: Gory!
Last Week’s Games
Seacows vs Real Slim Brady
Seacows win! For the second time in a row, with top score of the week…what is happening?
Team Sorto vs Bad News Bears
A close game decided by less than 3 points, Jonathan further pads his den with wins.
Battling Finger puppets vs Purple Moose
The second meeting between these teams this year. The Finger Puppets seem to have found their playoff form, while the Moose are saving it all for the final rounds. Carrie leads the series between these teams 2-0.
Replacements vs Beards
We all remember last time these two teams met, how Amy reigned supreme? Well this time it was Jayse’s turn! Sharing victories, how sweet. Except the team that lost this game is in danger of missing the playoffs…
Doves vs Pandas
Panda > Dove. if only there was some kind of chart that could track the greatness of the animal based teams…
Standings After Week 13
The Chart (of Almost Certainly Truth)
All season I have been calling this chart a liar, and I’m not about to stop today! The chart has gathered so much data by this point in the season, its accuracy is pretty much a 15 yard field goal with 2 seconds on the clock… but will it doink?
If it doesn’t doink (aka if the chart is true) it will mean that Carrie of the Battling Finger Puppets will beat the Bad News Bears by 6 points this week (the necessary margin to split the tie).
If it doinks (aka if the chart failed to truly value an underdog (or in this case Undercow) comeback narrative), the replacements will slip to 9th and the Seacows will rise from the murk to 8th and sweet sweet playoff football.
I shall be cheering for a doink!
Preview of This Week’s Games
Seacows Vs Team Sorto
The first step in the process of the chart doink is for the Seacows to secure a win in this game. If they fail, the Seacows and team Sorto will spend a total of one month playing each other to see who will have first pick next year.
the replacements vs Purple Moose
Step two of the chart doink is for the Purple Moose to be victorious over the replacements. Only if the replacements lose can the Seacows sneak in to the playoffs. Will Amy shut the door on a manatee that has been gathering momentum the last two weeks?
Beards vs Fire Pandas
The app thinks there is still a chance the Beards won’t qualify for the playoffs. I’m not sure how it works this out, but the only way to truly know is if the Fire Pandas torch the Beards, by as many points as possible. Burn Beardy Burn!
Real Slim Brady vs Eurasian Collared Doves
The most civilised game this week that has no implications for playoff qualification and only a mild impact on Krista’s playoff match up…it must be nice.
Bad News Bears vs Battling Finger Puppets
BATTLE OF TITANS! If you have never watched another team’s game before, now is the time. This matters (kind of), this is for all the marbles (not really), this is for justice for all teams who lost to the Bad News Bears this year and that’s pretty much all of us. Put on your fuzzy felted hats, raise your tiny weapons and release your battle cry: Bad News, Bears! Punctuation matters!
Second Blog Off: I have my final for the course I’m taking next week so won’t be able to write the Week 12 review. If anyone else would like to submit a week review, sent it to roarcatreads@gmail.com by Thursday Dec 2nd.
Last Week’s Games
Seacows vs Bad News Bears
Sad news league, the Bears aren’t in hibernation yet. They stopped on the way to the den for one last snack, and it was Seacow flavored:
*like this but if the salmon was a Manatee
Scapecow of the week continues with the theme of “I would have done better if I’d started no one,” with the proverbial algae on the Seacow hide, turning what should be a graceful cruise into an arduous slog…Tyler Bass with -1 points.
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Beards ‘R Us
It was a close game between two teams fighting to stay out of the basement (a feat that is almost assured). The mutton chop formation got mixed up after Aaron Jones got shaved due to injury. While Dalvin Cook, Keenan Allen and Mike Evans coordinated their 20 point scores, James Robinson gave the formation it’s off-kilter look with only 11:
The Doves survived Monday night and secooored their 4th win.
Real Slim Brady vs Replacements
The replacements were due for a quiet game but Real Slim Brady were taking no chances and brought it all to this match up claiming top score of the week! They needn’t have, however, as the replacements did not waiver from their ebb and flow, ebbing only 86 points.
Fire Pandas vs Finger Puppets
Johnathan Taylor brought the heat and set the Finger Puppets felt to melting. He was, however, the only Fire the Pandas brought to the game. Carrie and the Finger Puppets firmly gripped the fire extinguisher and doused all fiery hope, claiming sole possession of top spot in the Plucky Underdogs division.
Purple Moose vs Team Sorto
The Purple Moose guaranteed themselves a spot in the playoffs with a win over Team Sorto. Moose caught a couple of the hotter performances of the week from Herbert and Swift and ended the week with a very respectable 141 points. Like much of the season, nothing went right for team Sorto in week 11. With the Doves win over the Beards moving them another game ahead, playoff qualification is all but out of reach…but there is still a chance.
Standings After Week 11
Division leaders and bitter rivals, Bad News Bears and Battling Finger Puppets line themselves up for a meeting in the playoff finals. Can they hold on to their top spots in the few remaining weeks?
The Chart (of Lies)
With each passing week the chart of lies becomes more truthful. There is no way now for the Seacows to prove it wrong without totally tanking and claiming tenth place…that’ll show you chart.
Preview of This Week’s Games
The replacements vs Seacows
86 points last week for the replacements means 140+ this week. The Seacows know which way the tide flows and will be along for the ride this week.
Battling Finger Puppets vs Real Slim Brady
One to watch here, as two top teams who may well meet in the playoffs will get to test each other before the knockout rounds begin.
Beards ‘R Us vs Bad News Bears
Get em’ Bears…said no one except the Seacows with playoff hopes (currently 8%). The other 92% of Seacows and possibly the rest of the league want the Beards to slow the Bears roll. The first snow has fallen in the prairies, Christmas decorations are going up in my house, so seriously, when does hibernation start?
Team Sorto vs Eurasian Collared Doves
Here it is, the thing with feathers, right in front of Team Sorto…catch it, beat it, take its feathers and make them your own.
Purple Moose vs Fire Pandas
A rematch of the unbeaten streak snapper from earlier this year. Now the teams have equal records, and both teams have qualified for the playoffs, so this one is just for pride and the title of greatest animal-based team!
The Beards’ mutton chop formation got the job done against a lackluster Seacows effort, though not without a possibly impactful injury to Aaron Jones. Jones makes up a key piece of the Mutton based offense and will have to be shaved off the starting line up for 2-3 weeks. It will probably be fine for the Beards and their two game cushion over the Seacows, but there is still hope and it is not a thing with feathers, it is Manatee-shaped.
Scapecow of the week is the Cincinnati Defense. Congratulations you did it, three weeks in a row! But wait, the Cinci D wasn’t in the Seacows line up! True, however, their appalling performance led to rash decisions that resulted in me playing a defense that actually did worse than Cincinnati’s -2 points.
Fire Pandas vs the replacements
Predictable as always, the replacements came out big this week and recorded the second highest score of all teams. The only team to score higher were the Fire Pandas. Patrick Mahomes is back and Pandas are aflame and riding high on the tire swing that is the replacements week to week performances. Adorable.
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Purple Moose
There was much squawking and ground stomping but not much point scoring in this match up. It seems that when sharp beaks meet sharp antlers they kind of look at each other and go ‘man that looks sharp, I don’t think I want to go near that’ and the Las Vegas defense dig themselves a -7 point hole to hide in. The most stompy hoof was Travis Kelce. The stud tight end put up his biggest numbers since week 2, and this subdued the coos. Two in particular seemed to be intimidated: Younghoe Koo and the bird-based Cardinals defense scored 3 points each and then headed south for the rest of the game.
Bad News Bears vs Real Slim Brady
The beast is slain! The streak is ended! The beginning of the end is begun!
McCaffery was back for real this week and with great effect. The kicker battle on Sunday night all but decided the outcome, and even a modest performance from Stafford was enough to serve the Bears their second loss of the season. Aaron Rodgers started for the Bears and, bad news, the difference between his projected score and his actual score made the difference…one might even say he owned the bears…
Battling Finger Puppets vs Team Sorto
Team Sorto had another decent score that would have beaten more than half the teams in the league, but the Finger Puppets were not among them. Carrie, you did great as always. It is all but guaranteed the basement dwelling Team Sorto and the Seacows of Liquid Squalor will squabble over who will get first pick next year. However, Team Sorto is only one game behind the ECD. Perhaps hope is a thing with feathers…a thing to be caught and surpassed a week before the playoffs.
Standings After Week 10
Stagnation. The plucky underdogs division remains the same. The Grizzled veterans division sees Real Slim Brady make a move towards finishing first and the replacements upset their rhythm falling to .400.
The Chart (of Lies)
With only 4 weeks remaining in the regular season, the Chart of Lies might not be so full of lies after all. The Finger Puppets are still projected the first place finish with the Bears one spot behind. The Fire Pandas and replacements swap places after last week’s game, and the Beards are demoted to 9th…get back here Beards, I can still beat you vicariously!
Preview of This Week’s Games
Seacows vs Bad News Bears
Good news league, the Bad News Bears are beatable! But are they beatable by literally anyone? We will find out this week when the Seacows go on the hunt for win #3.
*like this but if the salmon was a Manatee
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Beards ‘R Us
The Doves will look to stop their 3 game losing streak against the Beards who also have a 3 game streak, but of wins! Will razor sharp beaks and a desire to line nests with downy beard hair be enough to see the Eurasian Collared Doves soar to victory? Seacow nation will be cheering for an ECD victory, get those Beards or possibly join me in the left behind bracket of the playoffs.
Real Slim Brady vs Replacements
Amy’s equilibrium has been disturbed. I don’t know what happens now; will she break out and show her true playoff form or will it be a discordant dissent into madness and losing? Krista will find out, fresh off slaying the beast. Top spot in the Grizzled Veterans league is within her grasp!
Fire Pandas vs Finger Puppets
Oooh this one matters. All season the top of the Plucky Underdogs’ division has been a murky glut of teams sharing the same record, but finally the leaders are playing each other and we shall have clarity! Are Pandas freaked out by finger puppets? Are finger puppets flammable? We’re about to find out.
Purple Moose vs Team Sorto
Having extended their lead over the ECD and team Sorto, the Purple Moose might be tempted to think they can cruise to the playoffs. The ESPN app would probably give them a 99% chance of qualifying, however that 1% chance depends on a (projection favored) Team Sorto victory this week…
It has been brought to my attention that a part of last week’s blog entry was factually incorrect. This terrible oversight has shaken me to my core. How could I be so careless, how many lives were affected by my inaccurate reporting, what damage has been done to my integrity and that of this fantasy football community?
I wish to set the record straight. I implied that the Beards won their week 7 match up against Team Sorto but they did not. They lost. They lost by 15 points, points that were not on their bench. They never could have won that game and to say that it could have been otherwise would be false.
My deepest apologies, Sports Ballers, sometimes it is hard to see through all the liquid squalor, but that is no excuse! I shall wipe the green crap off the inside of my tank and report only the truth and my wildly fluctuating opinion on our collective attempts to play fantasy football.
Last Week’s Games
Purple Moose vs Seacows
The Moose rallied a valiant 123 points in this game with good performances from promising players. They have shaken off the slight stumble and continue to hound the Fire Pandas and Finger Puppets in the underdog division.
On the other side of the ball, it was all flipper injuries, disappointed booped snoots, and the power of Loving to throw short passes and interceptions.
Seeing as there was not a decisive Scapecow of the week last week, apparently I decided to let them have another week to sort it out (I have definitely not become so despondent on what is now a month without a win that I forgot to swap out my defence) and the result is:
The Cincinatti Defence! Congratulations, I would have done better if I had kept the roster spot empty. It shouldn’t be possible to win two scapecow awards in a row, but you did it! Can you make it 3? Will I let you? …let’s find out next week.
Bad News Bears vs the replacements
There are three guarantees in life: Death, taxes and that the replacements will follow a monster week with a nap.
The Bad News Bears add another win and several more pounds to their winter bulk, and are looking sleepy.
Team Sorto vs Fire Pandas
Polite messages were exchanged in the chat, broken hearts and exuberant cheers were kept behind closed doors, feelings were stuffed deep deep down…I’m only kidding, when a psychologist and a counsellor battle for supremacy only well adjusted humans emerge.
Real Slim Brady vs Beards
CMC returned but appeared to be easing back in rather than going full hulk smash, at least there was some consolation for Krista that the Patriots won that game.
Those Mutton Chops tho… a coordinated 15.2 each for the RBs and an average 16.85 for the WR, Damn. Volume and luscious texture provided by a sweet 19 points from the New England defence, my my Beards.
Battling Finger Puppets vs Eurasian collared Doves
Both top scores in this game, Doves’ 142 would have beaten anyone else but Carrie who had 187 – more than the combined score in the Bad News Bears/replacements game.
ECD found a suitable replacement, and Carson Wentz played heckagood.
The Battling Finger Puppets’ stack came out with 50 points and inspired the rest of the team. James Connor took full advantage of the opportunity an early injury to teammate Edmonds presented and racked up 40 points.
Standings After Week 9
There was some movement on the table this week but don’t get excited, it’s just the Seacows sinking below the Beards.
The Chart (of Lies)
The chart has a new favorite! Battling Finger Puppets are projected top spot, displacing the Bad News Bears.
Preview of This Week’s Games
Sad Fluid Squalor Seacows vs Beards ‘R Us
If the Seacows are to have any hope of turning their season around and making the play offs, this game is a must win against division rival Beards. The same could be said for the Beards. Riding on the back of a 2 game winning streak, they will be looking to mow down the Manatees without getting their facial hair damp.
Fire Pandas vs the replacements
The replacement pendulum is expected to swing up, and the Pandas, playful creatures that they are, love tire swings and will attempt to hop on. The result: an adorable Panda on a tire swing or an adorable panda falling off a tire swing?
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Purple Moose
An honorable animal battle, where deadly sharp beaks and air superiority shall battle deadly sharp antlers and a sturdy four feet on the ground. The prize: a win and legitimacy to the claim to be the greatest animal team in the league.
Bad News Bears vs Real Slim Brady
Will this be the week someone stops the Bears? Perhaps if Krista named her team the ‘Actually Vaccinated Rogers.’ He loves owning the Bears…
Battling Finger Puppets vs Team Sorto
A depleted finger puppet back field might give team Sorto a chance for an upset in this game. The projection is against them, but another good performance from fellow underdog New York Jets could make the difference in this one.
A big thank you to our contributors from last week! The look inside the mind of a beard was fantastic: the second guessing, the self doubt and crushing defeat all backed up with statistical analysis! Although I am surprised there was no link to a 45 minute video on the saddest ever punt or something. And the Doves did us all proud. You may not know anything about football and still perhaps can’t name three players on your team, but you certainly can write a blog post (and break the soul of a manatee).
Last Week’s Games
Sad Fluid Squalor Seacows vs Fire Pandas
The Fire Pandas were all fired up for this local derby (it’s a British term for when two teams from the same city play each other, which warrants an excessive police presence to keep the opposing fans from fighting each other over a game that is otherwise meaningless)! Unlike the streets of British cities, however, the Mc-Adams household was not strewn with burning garbage after the points were tallied. Surrounded by liquid squalor, the Manatees try to remember what it was like to win a game instead of booping their snoot against the glass of disappointment.
While the Fire Pandas picked up an easy win, there is some cause for concern. A misfiring Patrick Mahomes in the line up and a benched Tyler Lockett made the Fire Pandas beatable…just not by the Manatees.
Scapecow of the week: It was a close one this week. Emanuel Sanders delivered a big ol’ 0, but no, this week The Cincinnati Defense wins the infamous title by scoring 1 point against the freaking Jets!
Bad News Bears vs Purple Moose
Johnathan was rather active in the chat on Monday night when this one was decided. After all, he does have a winning streak to defend, and the Purple Moose gave the bears a run for their money. If this were a nature show narrated by David Attenborough (or who ever the Canadian equivalent is), we would see a bear chasing down a tired moose…a slippery rock, a misplaced hoof, a stumble and a blood stained bear muzzle! “Misfortune for the moose means this bear won’t be going hungry, he has gorged himself for the coming winter and will soon go into hibernation.”
Misplaced hoof, thy name is Travis Kelce, who has been so reliable for so long, outscored by Harrison Butker and his very well placed kicking paw.
the replacements vs Eurasian Collared Doves
In an otherwise low scoring week for the league in general, this battle of relative titans contained the two highest scores of the week. A real contest then! Well no, it was another drastic over-compensation from the replacements after losing last week, racking up 160 points and leaving nothing on the bench. Way to stay at .500 Amy. Lull them with a false sense of security one week and then Hulk Smash the next!
The Doves remembered to start Koo and managed to peck up 126 points of bread crusts and other assorted garbage. Puff chested they raised their beak to the sky, but were cut off by a conversed foot launching them into the losing column and loosing an undignified squawk.
Beards ‘R Us vs Battling Finger Puppets
The Beards had some solid performances at RB 1&2 and WR 1&2, like a set of fine mutton chops that highlighted the underperforming, clean shaven chin of QB Kirk Cousins. Thankfully, the answer to last week’s preview question was ‘really itchy’. The beards win this one by a whisker to go 2-6.
More little buttons or whatever might be needed to inspire Nick Chubb and James Robinson next week, so I expect you can find Carrie at Michael’s this week stocking up, or else out back of the barber shop picking up more stuffing…
Real Slim Brady vs Team Sorto
Another team who picked up a much needed win was Team Sorto in another home town show down with Real Slim Brady. Josh Allen came through with a big game for Adriana, right when she needed it the most!
Real Slim Brady had some weapons in their line up with Ekler and Godwin combined for 53.4 points. Unfortunately the rest of the team could only manage another 56.5 combined. Better weeks ahead for Real Slim Brady with the return of Christian McCaffrey imminent.
Standings After Week 8
Bad News Bears claim sole possession of first with Real Slim Brady just behind.
Finger Puppets and Fire Pandas are battling it out for third; the Moose have dropped back to 500 with the replacements who are poised to make the playoffs.
Eurasian Collared Doves are trying to get off the ground at 3-5.
3 teams are tied for last…I mean, making the rest of you look good… at 2-6.
The Chart (of Lies)
Lies Lies Lies all the way down. Viva la revolución!
Preview of This Week’s Games
Purple Moose vs Seacows
Tom Brady, the only viable Seacow, is on Bye this week, so the Purple Moose are probably feeling pretty good about this match up. But wait, in a show of sea mammal patriotism the Seacows have picked up Tua of the Dolphins! Rise, you creatures of the ocean!
Bad News Bears vs the replacements
In the wax and wane cycle that is the replacements week by week performance, this week should be another win for the Bad News Bears. Will this be the week Amy bucks the trend? Or will the Bears continue to gorge themselves on wins?
Team Sorto vs Fire Pandas
Both teams are on the rise with QB’s who have struggled at times this season. The Fire Pandas might have more wins, but Team Sorto has it all to play for! This match up between secretly competitive but very polite people will be one to watch this week.
Real Slim Brady vs Beards
He’s back! CMC has returned, but for how long? The Beards hope less than 5 minutes, Real Slim Brady hopes forever, and we will know by 11 am on Sunday who gets their wish. Zooming out to the teams as a whole, the projection has this one for Real Slim Brady by 14 points. Will the Beards keep Kirk Cousins in the line up and rely on their mutton chops once more?
Battling finger puppets vs Eurasian collared Doves
A tough bye week for the ECD with both regular QB’s sidelined. The Battling finger puppets setting up for victory with their Baltimore QB/WR stack, look out doves, those aren’t crumbs your pecking at, they are indigestible little buttons!
Rachel was unable to write a review of this week’s Sports Ball Fantasy Football escapades, so we outsourced the blog to our league competitors! First up, a Bird’s Eye View of the League followed by an insider’s look at a Bearded Tale of Woe…
SPORTS BALL WEEK 7 REVIEW – BLOG THE BLOG-OFF!
Hail and well met, Sports Ballers! This week is something beautiful and different, for we have been abandoned by our Sea Cow overlords. Now the Eurasian Collared Doves rule this roost! Spread your wings, Sports Ballers, and feel the emancipatory breeze tickling your finger-feathers!
Look, let’s not pretend that Doves know anything about football. Can we name three members of our team, if pressed? No. Are we, gentle Sports Ballers, the noblest of birds? HEAR OUR BELLOWING AFFIRMATIVE COO.
Terms thus established, this analysis will be unburdened by “facts,” but heavy with puff-breasted honour.
Last Week’s Games
Team Sorto Vs. Beards ‘R Us
IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE HOPE. Probably the words of the week, nay, the league. Pride was on the line in this matchup, and in the end, Sorto caught that ride with a capital P!
Let’s look at the numbers…
Beards exceeded their projected score, but Sorto did not. Mike Evans – seems good; Patriots D/ST – no problem here; Ryan Tannehill – exactly as advertised. What’s to complain about, Beards?
On the Team Sorto side, Alvin Kamara is the arch-traitor and his betrayal of the Doves will never be forgiven. His name has been stricken from all records in our nests.
Battling Finger Puppets Vs. the replacements (sic)
Puppets and the replacements (sic) are gracious, good sportsfolk, and exchanged polite words in the chat. I guess that’s fine? But it’s easy to be nice when you don’t have to spend your life pecking for crumbs in the shadow of power lines.
Let’s look at the numbers.
This was a heavy Bye week for the Puppets. That explains why Mike Davis was on the lineup, I think, because he seems to be bad. Do better, Mike, and you might earn your share of the little buttons or whatever puppets eat.
OK so I looked at the replacements’ (sic) lineup and had to do a double take because I thought they literally had a player named “Nice Folk??!” But actually his name is just Nick. So that’s a shame.
Puppets exceeded projections, and replacements (sic) DE-ceeded. This is how wins are born.
Fire Pandas Vs. Bad News Bears
At last we have come to the great battle of our age. In this flame of conflict the heart and essence of BEAR was illuminated… and it was Bad News.
What is probably the most interesting characteristic of our league is that there are many teams whose names feature animals, and that these teams are in competition. Which animal is best? Sports Ball will tell us.
Let’s look at the numbers!
The Fire Pandas blazed into second place in this match I think probably because of the abysmal Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes was projected to score many points, but instead he scored few.
Meanwhile – what did Chicago do to the Buccaneers?! What booty is buried beneath those windy streets?! I guess the thing about the Bears is that all of their players are good and score points. Except for Harrison Butker.
Purple Moose Vs. Team Real Slim Brady
Purple Moose is an animal team, and as such is valourous, but Team Real Slim Brady is very good at fantasy football. Sadly the Moose failed to land a solid antler-blow, and we’re witnessing Brady, like Bears, dominate the league.
Let’s look at the numbers?
The standout Purple Moose is clearly Joe Burrow. His name is melancholic, since no Moose could fit in a burrow, but he plays football well. Let none say otherwise.
Despite mediocre performances from McManus, Fant, Hubbard and Gordon III, Real Slim Brady achieved success by way of their mighty wide receivers. If only there was a way to know for the draft which players are actually better than others, and which would synergize well together on one’s team. If only!
Was this a Bye-week for everyone? Could this have been planned? Is this something that everyone should know?
Eurasia Collared Doves Vs. Super Seacows
When the dust settled on this game we knew, finally, which animal was the fourth-best animal in the league based on information to date. This is SCIENCE, and no one can argue with SCIENCE. The Doves may not know anything about football, but we do have claws and wings and sharp deadly beaks. The Seacows have none of those things, and in this matchup we really saw what a difference that can make.
Let’s! Look! At! The! Numbers!
Darren Waller just didn’t show up to play, but we are very proud of everyone else on the team. Except for Jason Myers. We are particularly proud of Gesicki, who played better on the bench than ever before, and of Younghoe Koo, who for some reason wasn’t on the starting lineup what the heck what were we thinking.
We have nothing but scorn for the pitiful exertions of the Seacows, who cannot fly and live their lives in sad fluid squalor. Fie on your Tom Brady, Seacows, he cannot save you.
I think if we’re being honest the numbers might have been different if it weren’t a Bye week but we AREN’T being honest. We’re being VICTORIOUS.
Standings After Week 7
Basically the plan for the Doves is to get into the playoffs and sneak in a win or two. Seems likely!
The Chart (of Lies)
What is a Chart? Why do we grant it power over our lives? If we define ourselves in opposition to the Chart, are we not merely its thralls?
I say we kill the Chart and take its hoarded fruit and nuts! Let us gorge ourselves and regurgitate this bounty into the throats of our hatchlings, and then COO OUR EXULTATIONS TO THE UNCARING SKY.
Preview of this Week’s Games
the replacements Vs. Eurasia Collared Doves
This is looking bad so I really better get my roster set up.
Bad News Bears Vs. Purple Moose
The Moose get another shot at a top team. Will they get their noses out of the bog or will the Bears kill them and eat them?
Super Seacows Vs. Fire Pandas
Love! Danger! Football! It’s what we live for, gentle Sports Ballers!
Beards R’ Us Vs. Battling Finger Puppets
This could be a close one. Will the Beards make their opponent really itchy, or will the Puppets have human hair as their new stuffing?!
Team Real Slim Brady Vs. Team Sorto
These teams are dark mirrors of one another. May they stare into each other’s snarling visage with courage, for whomever flinches shall be lost.
Week 7 According to Beards R’ Us
So, the first thing the beards had to do this week was prepare for the Thursday night game between the Browns and the Broncos. We had two luscious beards in this game – perhaps top beard on our team (and bottom scorer) O’Dell Beckham Jr and his teammate Jarvis Landry. I was busy at work and didn’t look at the injury report until the game was almost starting.
I turned on the broadcast and the color commentator was talking about Landry, Beckham, and the injury report. What!? Landry has been on IR for weeks, I thought he was out!!! I quickly pull over, open the app, and go to put Landry in for OBJ. I select OBJ in my lineup, scroll down to put Landry in and –already he is greyed out.
I literally missed my opportunity to swap the players by like a second or two.
Shoot.
Next, Sunday night I had to choose my flex spot, either play Brendan Aiyuk, a young 49ers receiver who had a great 2020 but had been doing poorly all season in a terrible storm, or risk an injured Alex Collins Monday night against a great Saints defense.
I elected to gamble and put Alex Collins in Monday, which was the right choice. Aiyuk got almost nothing and Monday night Collins started with the first 3 carries of the game.
Those were his last three carries until the last drive of the half. By the time he touched the ball again Sortos’ stud Alvin Kamara was over 20 points and my week was all but over.
In the second half Collins got a little more work but ended the game with a very disappointing score.
Bad week all around. Gave Sortos their first win. 1-6 crew represent.
Thank you, Eurasian Collared Doves and Beards R’ Us! Rachel will be back next week, and we would love to include more content from the rest of the team for Blog Off Redux: Ongoing!
There were a lot of things to blame for the Seacows’ loss like an injury to Antonio Gibson and the usual solid performance from the Finger Puppets who are averaging 141 point per game so far this season. But may it be known that the Seacows blame Miles Gaskin. As a dolphin (and fellow sea mammal) coming off a 31 point week 5, Gaskin tricked me into believing he could be started, he ended the game with 3.4 points, sinking my chances and becoming the first player named in my new segment: ScapeCow of the week. Miles Gaskin, may you float to the top of your aquarium belly up.
Carrie continues to share the lead in her division tied with the Fire Pandas and Purple Moose.
Beards R’ Us Vs Purple Moose
Another slightly-too-close shave for the Beards this week as they lose to the Purple Moose 109 to 112. Jayse abandoned the beard strategy, putting Daniel Jones in at QB. Choosing smart football plays over an amusing draft strategy did not pay off however, as Jones ended the game with 4 points. Meanwhile on waivers, Carson Wentz and his ginger face fuzz picked up a potentially week winning 17 points.
Eric is also involved in that tie for first place in the plucky underdog division and snaps his streak to go 4-2.
Real Slim Brady Vs Fire Pandas
The Fire Pandas laugh in the face of the undefeated, and then defeat them! Tricia brought it all against Real Slim Brady and got the highest score of all teams this week. Fortunately for Krista, Tricia would not listen all the times I told her to gloat in the chat, so there was only a mild ribbing. She didn’t take the opportunity to point out that literally anyone could have beaten Krista this week, and did not joke about the rest of Real Slim Bradys season being headed to IR never to return just like CMC.
Bad News Bears vs Eurasian Collared Doves
If there was an award for pluckiest underdog, the Doves would come in second place by a wingtip. Another close game that came down to it on Monday night, the ECD soared to a lofty 122 but then were swatted out of the sky by the giant bear paw that is Derick Henry. Jonathan adds another win, bringing his streak to 5 consecutive, including 3 top scores. Don’t peak too soon now Bears, lots of games left to play.
The replacements vs Team Sorto
Team Sorto comfortably maintains their perfect record against the replacements who put up a top score contending 139 points in the contest. The sneaker logo is perhaps indicative of Amy’s strategy in her first season, decidedly mid-table with an exactly even record but the potential to put up week winning scores that no one saw coming…sneaky.
Standings After Week 5
Very little changed this week, Real Slim Brady remain on top…for now.
The Chart (of Lies)
Bad News Bears remain chart favorites but the Battling Finger Puppets replace Real Slim Brady in projected second, it seems the chart is as much a fan of their rivalry as we are.
The replacements continue their weekly creep back up the projections 4th to 3rd this week…
In the basement the Beards and Seacows are fighting over the comfy bean bag of last place; the Seacows have it for now.
Despite their glorious streak snapping win, the Fire Pandas pause on the steps to see what the fuss is about, allowing Team Sorto to somehow remain a step ahead.
Preview of This Week’s Games
Eurasian Collared Doves vs Super Seacows
These two teams share the same 2-4 record and will both be looking to put a bit of day light between themselves and the bottom of the board in this contest.
Purple Moose vs Real Slim Brady
These two were the teams to beat back in the early weeks of the season, and with a tight race in the plucky underdog division, the Moose will be hoping for more low scores from the Bradys. First place in the league is up for grabs if Krista loses this game so it really is all to play for.
Fire Pandas vs Bad News Bears
Can the Fire Pandas make ending winning streaks a habit, or do they only enjoy beating undefeated teams? We shall see this week when they take on the Bad News Bears.
Battling Finger Puppets vs the replacements
The stat projections have the replacements slightly ahead in this contest. This could be another battle for the heart of the chart of lies, as these teams are projected 2nd and 3rd place. Could a win seal Carrie as a solid second? But nobody puts Amy in the corner! The fight for the chart’s fickle heart commences on Thursday night!
Team Sorto vs Beards R us
Basement battle royale! Both teams seem to be resistant to winning but who hates victory the most? Arguably Adriana, who hates it so much she has never done it this season. However, I hear Jayse tried it once and it was awful.
The Super Seacows learned a lesson about disparaging the good name of Miles Gaskin. Luckily they didn’t need the 32 points he could have added and got their second win of the season. Team Sorto did outscore half the teams in the league this week so don’t write them off just yet, although Adriana now seems to be set on defending her clean record. Can the Sortos remain winless?
the replacements vs Bad News Bears
Apparently the Bad News Bears were a little upset about having their top score streak ended by the replacements and came to play this week achieving top score of all time! Serving up crushing defeat realness with 20’s, 20’s, 20’s across the board. The replacements did manage to keep it respectable; a spectacular Mark Andrews performance on Monday night saved Amy from the dreaded ‘doubled your score’ defeat she handed out last week.
Purple Moose vs Battling Finger Puppets
This game was close going in to Monday night but finished with the Finger Puppets 30 points ahead. An injured Chris Carson remained in Eric’s line up although he was ruled out for Thursday night’s game. Are the Purple Moose on vacation, or perhaps still reeling from their first loss last week?
Beards R’ Us vs Real Slim Brady
Beards did okay, coughing up a competitive score. I mean, Real Slim Brady still won by Sunday night with a player left on Monday but what are you going to do? They are unstoppable.
Fire Pandas vs Doves
No victorious Coo this week, the Fire Pandas prove themselves the victor of this ancestral battle. And worse! Leading Dove Russel Wilson picked up an injured wing and will be sidelined for 4 weeks. As of writing, the ECD have not brought themselves to pick up a replacement.
Standings After Week 5
Some of these veterans are more grizzled than others. At the top of the table, Real Slim Brady remain perfect and are the only team to beat the Bad News Bears, who are just one win behind them. The rest of the division is under 500 and are in danger of losing their grizzled veteran status at the end of the season.
Meanwhile the underdogs is a much more competitive division with three teams sharing the same record and the ECD only one win behind. Sortos are after different goals, 0 goals to be precise, 0 goals and 1st pick next year!
The Chart (of Lies)
Clang Clang Clang, the end is Nigh Real Slim Brady, so sayeth the chart! Bad News Bears displace the league leaders as champions of the chart’s heart.
Despite their defeat, the replacements still see a rise from 6th last week to 4th this week.
Team Sorto descend the stairs to the basement and are passed by the Fire Pandas on the way up.
Preview of This Week’s Games
Super Seacows Vs Battling Finger Puppets
Fresh off wins last week, the good news for one of these two teams is one of them will have a 2 game winning streak at the end of this week! The chart of lies predicts it will be the Finger Puppets, but this is fantasy football, your opinion has no place here!
Beards R’ Us Vs Purple Moose
A battle of two teams in need of a win. Arguably the Beards need it more, but a third loss in a row after a stellar start to the season would set some alarm bells ringing for the Purple Moose.
Brady Vs Fire Pandas
Can the Fire Pandas end another winning streak and extend their own? Could this be the week Krista finally tastes defeat? Look for the league poll to pick your favorite.
Bad News Bears vs Eurasian Collared Doves
Never was there a pluckier underdog than the hobbled, now cobbled ECD facing down the Bad New Behemoths.
The replacements vs Team Sorto
Which replacements team will turn up this week? The soul crushing week 4 replacements or the crushed soul replacements of week 5, either way Adriana will be looking to protect her perfect record.
Roar Cat Reads 